Hard Stuff

i have to admit that i haven't been writing lately because i have been dealing with what i perceive as hard stuff.
At times i am so tired but my mind won't stop so by the end of the day it's all i can do to fall asleep at night.

i struggle with feeling awkward all the time, most of the time i can ignore the sheer panic and freaking out... But lately i kind of want to hide under my bed with my shoes. And i have to remember that i am not a member of the bluthe family (from arrested development) or that i go to mckinley high school (freaks & geeks), but sometimes those imaginary relationships are the easiest because they never ask the hard questions, and sometimes "how are you doing" feels like a hard question. i have been searching lately for what makes me tick, for what makes me afraid, what makes me want to run and hide.

i guess i feel like i have more questions than answers.

In my life time

i've been having these thoughts of things i have seen in my lifetime... When i was at dinner with friends earlier this month their discussion of students entering the college never knew of a divided Germany, and i remember the fall of the Berlin wall.
Right now i'm reading a book called "bachelor girl", it's an account of single women over the last 100 years. It's been really interesting some of the stigma that was associated with being single, and also some of the stigma that still sticks.

It's exciting for me to daydream and think of having someone other than a white male running this country. i got a little emotional when i was listening to NPR and they were talking about Nanci Pelosi sworn in. i got caught up in the moment of these barriers, and glass ceilings being broken through. i am realistic, and although it thrills me to no end to see the face of change, i also too become pessimistic that my other fellow americans are as excited to see that face of change.


My word for this year is Crazy--

The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
--Apple, INC.

New Year

i have to say that i hate the idea of a New Years' resolution for myself. i only hate them because i never keep them, and honestly i lack the discipline to really change whatever, and even more i just don't care.

i was very hesitant for this year only because i feel like i was really pushed this week. i was so irrational, which stemmed from me not feeling like i was being heard. Now the problem lies in clear communication, which apparently through a conversation with my boss i realized that i wasn't being clear. So when we finally started speaking the same language i felt like a heel.
Why is it so hard for us to communicate our needs? For me at least i get hurt when i feel like i am not being heard, and i struggle really saying what i need. It seems crazy what fear keeps us from, sometimes it feels like fear really keeps me from living, it keeps me isolated, and alone.

i do feel like i learned a lot about myself this week. So maybe my promise to me, not as a new years' resolution but something to myself is to listen to what i need, and what i communicate to others.

Squished

So, now my new favorite thing is the chiropractor. He adjusted my back, and i feel so much better. He's pretty much a rock star in my book; i have to admit, you make me feel better i would sing your praises to the world.
Also, there really isn't that physical pain associated with the back pain. So if you need a guy, i totally have a guy for you.

Now only if someone could adjust my love life...

Moving on up

So tonight i had dinner with a friend and the couple i housesit for. It was obvious from the start that i was going to be the odd one out, being that they are all older than i. i have to admit i don't mind or feel bothered by hanging out listening to stories and conversations that i can honestly say i have no weight, although i thought i might be asked to move back to the metaphorical children's table when they found out that i was a Carter baby.
It made me think of the things we miss when we close ourselves to the world around us. It seems to becoming acceptable if it doesn't happen in our lifetime or to us directly it then does not matter. i hope i'm wrong. It just feels like in a culture saturated with poor role models have given us this dumbing down of who we are.
i think it goes beyond a matter of faith, but as a matter of humanity. If we don't step up to the plate to help those in need who then will?
i am always think of quote that Jim Wallis uses, "we are the change we are waiting for."

What do we want the Church to do? We don't ask for more cathedrals. We don't ask for bigger churches of fine gifts. We ask for its presence with us, beside us, as Christ among us. We ask the Church to sacrifice with the people for social change, for justice, and for love of brother. We don't ask for words. We ask for deeds. We don't ask for paternalism. We ask for servanthood.

- Cesar Chavez

Voice of the Day

It is in community that we come to see God in the other. It is in community that we see our own emptiness filled up. It is community that calls me beyond the pinched horizons of my own life, my own country, my own race, and gives me the gifts I do not have within me.

- Joan Chittister

Coming out of the dark

i used to find so much wonder during the season of Christmas. As i've gotten older i feel that i am in the middle of an avalanche trying just to stay near the surface. Between final exams, holiday shopping, or the mass exodus of those leaving to be near their family for the holidays there never seems to be time. i think that is truly the reason that i enjoy advent.

i am now realizing that i need to give over my lack of hope, because i truly have such a hard time hoping. The hardest thing for me is to verbalize the hope because when i do put it out there then there is an expectation, and when that expectation does not pan out then disappointment quells my hope. i was taught not to be disappointed with God, so it almost felt easier to not hope, and therefore not get disappointed then to deal with the disappointment.

After tonight i feel called out of that fear to hope. For me it's going to be a process, but i do want to hope.


Hope begins in the dark. you wait and watch and work. you don't give up.~~ Anne Lamott

Thankful

Well happy late thanksgiving. There is a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in day to day life, and sometimes the drama that ensues at work i forget to be thankful.
I'm thankful at the moment to be done with one of the three quilts i'm working on... Well, sort of three. And here it is, one of my co-workers is having a lil' monster, as she likes to call him. So, for the lil' monster i made him a lil' quilt.



i have to say i am glad to be done with it. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get life worked out. Then i make the decisions to do things like take up yoga, and bless Bill's heart, but man he puts you in for a work out. When i was talking to a friend i realized that she takes yoga with him at the rock gym. Small world.

well, good night moon.

getting up, and moving.

So, it's that season again. Time to get out the stretch pants, and loose fitting clothes. It's my goal this year to NOT gain weight, and at least maintain.
i started taking yoga. i've been 3 times, and i do enjoy it, it kicks me in the butt, but i enjoy it. i like my yoga instructor Bill is a good instructor. i have always been a little scared to join anything that involves looking ridiculous in public. But Bill is the nicest, he helps you out, and doesn't make you feel dumb if you can't quite move into downward dog. Half way through ever session i swear i will never go back, i will never do this again, and the thought are you kidding, move like that??? Yea, right mister.
But i go back, bless his heart. One day i will be a yogi, or maybe i won't fall over while doing the kneeing warrior pose.

Road to forgiveness

i'm trying to find my way back to forgiveness. i get consumed with wondering how God could know me and forgive me, know my apathy and forgive me, especially when i struggle with forgiving those who have deeply hurt me, not allowing myself to fully accept the fact that God has forgiven me, b/c that means if God has forgiven me, i must too forgive.
For me to forgive would be to let go of my self-righteous anger. Or what could be worse, reconciling with a toxin on my soul. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation though, it means letting go of the pain, hurt, and holding no harsh feelings. What i need is to allow myself to forgive without feeling the need to reconcile.
i don't want reconciliation, i want closure, i want to be free. i want to forgive, but i don't want things to go back to the way they were before. So what does that look like?

The first Tuesday in November

So, everyone is going to vote, right!? i've been a bad monkey, and i need to turn in my ballot, but i will tomorrow. Yesterday i was talking to my mom, as she was processing the need to find a new church, especially since it was "Election Sunday" at her church.
i have to say that every day i grow more thankful for the body of Vibrant. i love the diversity, politically speaking... i am proud of my liberal upbringing. i remember the first time i voted, 10 years ago with my dad. Before we each went into our respective booths he made sure to let me know to vote what i believe, not what any political party told me, but what resonated with me. It's something that i have taken in with me into adulthood. An ex of my mom's once scolded me for voting for Ralph Nader, and i replied (probably in a very annoyed tone) that i voted my conscience and that in fact i did not throw my vote away.
i've struggle over the last ten years in the church b/c the word liberal has been such a four lettered word. i truly don't want to put anyone who disagrees off, but i want so much to see social change. i want to see Christians living the life that is required of us. i was reading an article in time magazine about if God wants us to be rich. The article quoted many evangelical leaders speaking of monetary wealth, and that being how we are blessed by God. i'm sorry, but i refuse to believe that that is the avenue God chooses to bless His people. What about the millions living in Third World countries? i refuse to believe that i have some how more favor in God's eye, than a sister or brother in Christ living in the Sudan, or even someone homeless in my community.
It seems that we are so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see the world around us. Maybe we are blessed with income, not to buy a huge house, or home school our children, but to support those who are truly in need. God knows i truly don't need more income to waste on myself.
Um, back to voting. Vote what you believe; vote what resonates with your heart. If you love your library vote yes, even if it costs you a couple extra dollars a year. If you feel compelled to support the school system, and social services vote yes; give them the option to live, and learn.
But more importantly, vote what your beliefs.
As Jim Wallis says everytime i see him speak, "we are the change we have been waiting for"...

Quote for a life time

It is not what we do that is important,
but how much love we put into what we do:
we should do small things with great love.


- Mother Teresa

Intolerant moods

i can't say that i have done anything productive today... Well, i made a killer curry... i love having Saturdays off, but often i just listen to NPR, and surf the net.
Today however, i did happen to get wrapped up in tvland... It started off innocent enough w/ some shows on the decorating channel... Then some mythbusters... i did get wrapped up in a program about the kkk on the History Channel.
i consider myself so sheltered from the culture of hatred. i never grew up thinking there was any difference between skin colors; thanks to Sunday school songs. The thought of racism still makes no sense to me, and i am so filled with such disdain, and rage. These are the programs that i have to put the remote down, or it could be hurled through my roommates television. i am enraged by the injustice, for the hypocrisy, the ignorance, and the injustice. What twists my brain into convulsions is the kkk's ideas about religion... Jesus was a Jew, he was an advocate for the oppressed, and his compassion for the least of these.
i live in fear that i am a bad representation of my faith, and so i am compelled as a Christian, and a human to care for anyone in need.
i guess that's the difference, during the program the members often spoke of preservation of their race, which is my race, which makes me ill. My skin color does not make up who i am, it has provided me with privilege that i often don't think about, and that makes me uncomfortable. Which being uncomfortable is a good thing, i should be uncomfortable, and then be apart of the change to spread love, and unity.
i have to talk and think of hope. We weren't meant to live without hope. We can hope for change, and be the change in the wind that strives for equality.

Football games and apples

It really now is starting to feel like fall.

Last night i went to my first football game in 10 years i think. They really haven't changed much. i can't say that i have either, although when i went to home games i was usually taking pictures for the yearbook, or the school paper. It was fun watch these young men play. They seemed so young and small. It seems like so long ago that being in the stands trying to decide if i cared that my school won. (Corbett played a great game last night, unfortunately for them they lost.)



Today was the ritual of going up to hood river for apples. i love apples, and squash. i have so much of the two i don't know what i'll do...Probably eat a lot of apples, pears, and squash. i really enjoy spending time with my family, well, the normal ones anyways. Although, i always discover some more of the oddness that is my family. i'm grateful that there are a few of us who are not crazy to keep me company.

Doubting Thomas am I

What about me makes me so full of doubt? i'm too often too afraid to hope for happiness, only because for me it always seems to be a let down. Vulnerable moment coming up... i spent today on the verge of tears, maybe due to lack of sleep, lack of self-esteem, but what ever it was, today it oppressed me.
To feel sad sometimes for me feels narcissistic, because i am so me focused... And i am so tired of me.
There are just those things that keep kicking me in my gut that i thought were gone, but keep rearing their ugly head.

Hope, Faith, and Grace

Even though i have spent my life a christian i really find that i struggle with the words above.
i am learning that you can't live without hope; hope in a better future, hope in love, hope in something in this world that is better than all the horror, and struggle around me. it's easier for me to hope things for others than hoping for myself. i fear more than i hope. i struggle finding the confidence to hope for anything, i fear if i hope too much, and it doesn't happen, what does that mean? i know God is still God.

An aunt of mine's ex used to tell me all the time that he remembered the first time he met me, i was probably 3, and i had told him that my angel fish had died, and that Jesus had taken it up to heaven. Then, he would remark that he admired my faith, although, i think i had a dream that i walked into my living room, and Jesus, in the robes, and his glowing glory was taking my fish up to heaven. i wish i still had that faith, that certain faith, that i knew God would come down and fix everything and make things all better.

i can't seem to wrap my head around grace. every night i thank God for his grace, but then i get distracted by what that means, grace, and that it's something that i have prayed almost every night if not every night for over 20 years. i often look grace up in the dictionary only because it looses its' bigness when i pray "God i thank you for your grace..." i feel like grace is so much bigger than i can ever wrap my head around, and i never give it the true recognition it truly deserves. it's a word that is said so much that it has lost it's deeper meaning...

So tired

Okay i want to write and tell you all four who probably will read this, and tell you how wonderful Wicked was, because it truly was fabulous (just ask Jenny Hobbs).

BUT

i am way to tired. Ask me, i'd love to tell you!

BTW

Shoshanna Bean is even more fabulous!

goodnight

A lack of faith, and it's redemption

A couple weeks ago i was brainlessly watching MTV, and i grew discouraged with how self-absorbed, vain, shallow, and petty we as a culture are.
My redemption came while i was listening to NPR the next day, and the story of a girl from Gaston who, after watching "Hotel Rwanda", live was forever changed. She was struck by a particular line that had caught my attention as well when i had. It was when the camera guy was saying that when footage of what was happening was shown, we as would watch it, think it was sad, and awful, but we would go back to our lives.
But this 11 year old girl had the determination to ask for money to send to Darfur, instead of gifts for her birthday, who sells eggs so she can send money to help out. A girl who has inspired her classmates, a girl who saw the world as something bigger than herself.

i doubt...

i have to say if i were to write all my doubts down i would cry from my lack of faith. It seems the older i get and the more i get kicked in the teeth from life, the more doubtful i grow... i wish i could say i have the faith to believe all the time, but the fear of disappointment gets in the way.

Sunday night i really wrestled with my guilt, and acknowledging my doubt before God. How do you put words to your doubt to the creator of the universe, especially when it's been something you've been praying for for so long. To me it seems like once i've resolved my doubt another rears it's ugly head.



i have the faith to believe God is able to move mountains, sometimes i struggle with believing God will move mountains for me. Maybe that's where my doubt comes into play.