Finding Inspiration

i have to admit i haven't had much inspiration as of late to really write. Life the last few weeks have seemed harder than usual. But i'm finding the unintentional intentional support of friends. <-Them not realizing how much their kindness affects my life.

We're trying something new in our Cgroup, the second Tuesday we go to the food bank to connect locally; and the last Tuesday of the month we watch a documentary about a global issue to connect globally. i once heard called glocal -> looking both at home and abroad.
Last night we watched, "Promises"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promises_(film)). It centers around 7 young Palestinian, and Israeli kids. They are all so beautiful, honest, and fractured. What i adored were their faces, their words amazed me. They were so serious and mature for being so young.
It's hard for me in my "Western" mind to truly understand their life, and the issues that divide them. Maybe because i never understood why you would hate someone you didn't know. i have to admit i knew and still know little about what divides them; i did learn a brief history of the conflict.
What i admired was the director's ability to show both sides, to show them as people instead of as victim/terrorist. More importantly, he opened up some of their lives, and allow them to meet whom they were brought up to hate and fear. For a moment i felt hope, for a moment i had hope that one day there could be peace. There is tremendous power in being known, and getting to know.

One of the quotes i really liked was from a secular Israeli boy named Daniel. Daniel says “In war both sides suffer. Maybe theres a “winner” but whats a winner. People on BOTH sides die. Both sides loose.””

i wish there could be peace, that they would be able to live side by side in peace an harmony. i loved that there was hope for some of them that they could resolve their differences.

Dirty little triggers

i've been a little down the last couple of days. Actually, in all honestly i know the trigger. In all honesty it's hard to admit the trigger and put it out there for unnamed people to read. That kind of vulnerability is scary. i am also convinced that only my friends will read this, since i lead a pretty boring life.

i never thought i had baggage, but apparently i do. It festers in the form of insecurity, of not feeling good about me; and this trigger sends me deep down into a spiral of self pity, and doubt. i had doubt before, but this catapulted into a whole new realm of insecurity.

This trigger reminds me of my faults, my weakness, and my worst fear. It then separates me from God, because i feel so trapped. i am frustrated because i have prayed for so long for resolution, but no resolution has come.

Neutral

Today has been hectic. i've been pretty busy, and overwhelmed at work the last two weeks, now going on three. Honestly, i hate it. b/c i want to stay positive, and not let my frustration show. It's hard too when everyone is so busy, and there is no communication. So, i've got to remember to communicate. i also think a negative attitude is contagious, especially in a small office.

In my down time i feel nothing, borderline apathetic. i can't really explain it. It's learning to live where i am right now too. It's hard when you learn growing up how bad apathy is, and this is my current emotion it's kind of like. "where do i go with this?"

When i look back from where i was a year-year and a half ago, there has been so much movement in my life. Good movement. i was struck with it on Sunday. It's embarrassing for me to admit how much i used to cry from depression, but now, it's not been that much. i do wonder if it is the apathy. And i do care about stuff, i do have passions and they are the things that really matter to me. i guess my apathy lies in the neutral. It feels healthy too, not like i just don't care about anything, i am just blah about the mundane.

Living in the Gray

My life is all sorts of gray. At times i admire those whose lives are so concrete black and white, but my mind is always full of "what if's". i am learning that in order to process life one must share it, even if it's yucky stuff. i am grateful to God that i have been blessed with a support system that i can lean on in tough times. It was however tough for me to learn this. i don't want to burden people, especially when it's something that i can't get over easily, and i am unable it seems to get over things.
And my life seems to be what if's and there is a reason for everything. Also when i do phase things into black and white i always seem to be wrong, and so i see the need for gray.

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Today my friend who's in New Zealand, her dad came and dropped off some photos from when i was down there. i am really excited b/c one of them is the picture i have here, but it actually turned out and isn't blurry. It was good reminders from the fun trip.

Thoughts from an untired mind

i still am having trouble sleeping. The good news is that i am now able to sleep in my bed (i had been sleeping on my bedroom floor for weeks and weeks, b/c i can't fall asleep in my bed).
Yesterday at the benefits fair at work i stopped by the accupunturist. He pricked me, and i felt relaxed, and we talked of my inability to fall asleep. The acupuncture did seem to work b/c i was relaxed for the rest of the day, so i may now start getting acupuncture.
i get frustrated b/c this is when my mind wanders, and over thinks everything.


Tuesday i watched my niece. She's so cute, she gave me hugs and kisses for the first time on her own. We had fun jumped on my trampoline, she took a bath, and then a nap and then more playing and some sponge bob (i cannot understand the fascination). She did however while she wasn't wearing her diaper manage to pee on my kitchen floor, and my step stool. i really hope she does not get moved across the country, i couldn't bear having her that far away, especially when it feels like she may be the closest i ever get to having a child around me.

Unexpected surprises

i really have to say for the frustration that i have had with co-workers we work well together, even though it seems like we have to do things at the last minute.
i was able to see Shannon get pinned, even though i haven't worked a full day this week. i guess it's like a family there are the misunderstandings, but when it really comes down we are there to support each other. So i guess it's not like a family, it is a family.