Addictions

This lent season i have become very aware of my addictions, where it be food or retail therapy.
i honestly feel very embarrassed to admit this, i feel deep shame that i use these two things as coping mechanisms in my life. Right now i am overcome by this brokenness i feel. There is this disconnect with coping, and instead of looking for ways to deal with the way i feel, i will use things like food or something new to give me artificial, temporary feeling of all is right with the world.
This concept is so new to me that i really don't know how else to process it, or quite honestly how much i want out in cyberland.

Healing

Why is the thought of healing a scary thing? You would think a person would like to get better. Sometimes does it feels better to stay the same?
What do you do once you've healed, how do you spend time that was once in the bile of life?
It feels too easy to live the embittered life. . . i know too many bitter people, i work with too many bitter people. At times daily i feel that i must give up that part of me that dwells in the bitter space. i really don't think i dealt with it, and it transpired into my dreams.
i am hopeful that all the baggage of self loathing, and my fear of hoping will be sorted through the process of healing.

paging Dr. Freud

i had a dream two nights ago where i was in my room and this person kept placing things in my room and i kept getting frustrated by this, and i couldn't find any peace stuff all over the place, and i couldn't move-- mere coincidence. . . but last night i dreamt that i was at work frantically trying to complete this project while my co-workers did nothing to help, and didn't seem to be aware of my frustration, and my feeling of being overwhelmed. . . It's hard to need help, and when that hand is stretched out for help there doesn't seem to be anyone reaching back. . . Which leads to me dreaming about work, which is annoying because if i am dreaming about work, since it is work related shouldn't i be getting paid? No? i thought it was worth asking. . . I


This is my hundredth post, i wish i would have baked a cake to celebrate. . .

I'm tired...

And i'm waiting for my laundry to finish drying... Not one of my smarter decisions...