Grumpy

Today as the yesterday as well, my alarm clock went off, and i thought "ggggrrrr."
Today is also the maddest i've been w/ one of my brothers in i cannot remember how long. He's young, but doesn't realize his actions effect other people. Well, i guess this is where i am big sister.

Running away from home

Sometimes i feel discontent with life so i will daydream about running away from home, at the age of 28. It usually comes from boredom, or the fact that i wish i wasn't a grown up anymore.
But then Sunday rolls around, and i go to Vibrant, and i'm glad that i didn't run away from home. About the time i joined Vibrant i was traveling away from home. i was really depressed and homesick; all i wanted to do was go home.
That was the moment that i realized that i had found a home i spent my whole life craving. And even though it is a fantasy for me to run away from home, i know i couldn't go very far.

Too excited for words

A dear friend of mine, with whom i haven't spoken with in what feels like a life time has offered that olive branch of friendship out.

i miss him. It's almost surreal to think, only because he became a legend in my memories. i miss his friendship, he was quirky, and odd, and that's what i loved about him. He could make me laugh.

i guess myspace is starting to even out for me.

Travis i have missed your friendship. Your intense desire to make me laugh, and for being the first boy i had a crush on that i could actually carry on a conversation with without spontaneously bursting into flames.

I AM...

A Jerk.

Invisible Children

They come from far remote villages traveling by foot to escape imprisonment. -> Being captured, and forced into the LRA, to be soldiers of hate and violence.
Why should this be an acceptable fate for a child? Why should this be an acceptable fear for a child to have?

How can i say "Let Africa take care of Africa"? Should i not weep for the oppressed? Should i not wail for the loss and the desperation?

It is my privilege to turn a blind eye to their hurt, pain, and suffering. But it is not my call-> We are called in to something deeper, being called into the global church. i cannot ignore the pleas of these children. No longer can i see their faces and have only sympathy. i have a voice to tell others -- to beg-- to plead-- to care for the "least of these".

So i will pray for guidance, for hope, to find others who will use their voice as well to speak up for the voiceless, for those who need advocacy. And i will ask others for their hope, their voice, and advocacy.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

i wonder only because i try to love the way Christ loves, but sometimes it can be hard. i look at my friends who love Jesus, and show what it means to follow Christ, but then we are not the ones who get recognition from the world around us. i do not consider my self very conservative, and i struggle with what it means to be a progressive Christian...
Because i want to share my faith non-verbally, through my actions; and sometimes for me this feels difficult with someone who taxes me.
i just started pod casting from a progressive magazine, and they were discussing religion and politics- which are two comments not to be discussed at work or over the dinner table. But what if instead of telling people that they were going to Hell if they didn't repent, we told them of the love that God has for them? What if we advocated for them, and showed them grace.

__________ __________ __________ __________ __________

Last night before Vibrant i finished a book called "The Tortilla Curtain," and i have to say that it left me raw. i am very interested in dialoguing with my friend who had lent me the book, regarding just the ugliness of humanity that sometimes displays itself in our lives. i really don't know if i like the book, it was interesting, heartbreaking, and honest... i like that, i am not a confrontational person, and in the words of Atticus Finch "you need to walk a mile in a man's shoes to really understand who he is". Not to gloss over it, but i think i need to read something a little more uplifting-> although to mark the third anniversary of the war, i will probably try to read "The Non-Violent Alternative" by Thomas Merton.
Not at all that it will be an easy read for me, but i do love Thomas Merton.

My anxiety

i am a recovering freakoutaholic. i may seem like i don't get wigged out, and if it seems that way i can hide it pretty well. It comes out in strange ways, like i feel like i am socially retarded.
Currently i am struggling with an unhealthy friendship. And i say this because this person has hurt me so my very soul, and although it has never been intentional, a lot of times i wonder if a lack of intention can be worse. But i will spend time building a wall in between us... Because i do not know how to operate otherwise-> it's either deep feelings or living numb, and i really don't like living my life numb because when the feeling returns i always feels worse. And what kind of life is it to live when you are afraid to feel? i do not feel like bringing this pain up to this person because every time i do everything that comes out of my mouth come out complementary, and i feel all i get is my feelings hurt.
But i have not really talked to this friend in a while. Although, every time i do i end up getting something that frustrates me regarding life off my chest, which is nice, but not helpful when i am trying to distance myself.
i feel like this person wants more from me, but what can i give? See, i believe a true friendship you really are there for each other, but i cannot be this for this person.
When the phrase "you are my friend, and i don't do that to my friends" was posed, i wanted to say, "so that is a big deal, but using them isn't? And seriously when have we really been friends?"
i am afraid i have been traumatized by this relationship, and i have prayed so long for this to go away... It has not. So i wonder where God is in this. i wonder if i am not listening, or if i am meant to be here.

Lazy Day

i love lazy days. Maybe because i don't get them often. i finished a purse i've been working on, it looks alright. i seem to have issues sewing something for the first time.
It was also nice enough to sit out side for a while. Unfortunately for me it was windy, so i couldn't stay out as long as i wished. But that is one of my favorite things, sitting outside letting my body absorb the rays of sunlight- reading or just being.

Last week i was at the mall with my mom, and it was such culture shock. Have you ever experienced those moments when you feel so out of place, and you are walking in slow mo, while the world around you is at double time? There was so much technology around me, cell phones, ipods. And i am not any better, i wonder if some think that i have white buds implanted into my ears... i think i was so aware of this was because i was awake, i mean usually i do have my earphones in~ in another world. So, i guess my challenge now is to live life awake to the world around me.

Confession:

This last year has been tough. Although i am reminded that in order for a plant to grow the seed must die... It's not that i must physically die, but i must die to my old habits. Jealousness, pride, arrogance.
Through the Lenten season i wanted to give something up not to take it back, but to completely let it go. Because i want to be transformed through this season, to really have it change me.
And because i constantly let this remind me i feel as if i have lost my shell, and am able to sprout.

Whoops

Today I did not awake to my alarm, but that dream thought of "shouldn't I be awake?" Silly me, I forgot to set my alarm. But I'm already set for tomorrow, I have turned my alarm on already.
I think this is where my OCD tendencies to check my alarm four times before I go to bed would have helped.

The good news is---> I still made it to work on time ---> in time to see the snow at the zoo in March! Bad day to wear converse, not a wise thought on my behalf, but in my defense, I left my house after being awake for 10 minutes. I'm not even sure if I knew what day it was...