My anxiety

i am a recovering freakoutaholic. i may seem like i don't get wigged out, and if it seems that way i can hide it pretty well. It comes out in strange ways, like i feel like i am socially retarded.
Currently i am struggling with an unhealthy friendship. And i say this because this person has hurt me so my very soul, and although it has never been intentional, a lot of times i wonder if a lack of intention can be worse. But i will spend time building a wall in between us... Because i do not know how to operate otherwise-> it's either deep feelings or living numb, and i really don't like living my life numb because when the feeling returns i always feels worse. And what kind of life is it to live when you are afraid to feel? i do not feel like bringing this pain up to this person because every time i do everything that comes out of my mouth come out complementary, and i feel all i get is my feelings hurt.
But i have not really talked to this friend in a while. Although, every time i do i end up getting something that frustrates me regarding life off my chest, which is nice, but not helpful when i am trying to distance myself.
i feel like this person wants more from me, but what can i give? See, i believe a true friendship you really are there for each other, but i cannot be this for this person.
When the phrase "you are my friend, and i don't do that to my friends" was posed, i wanted to say, "so that is a big deal, but using them isn't? And seriously when have we really been friends?"
i am afraid i have been traumatized by this relationship, and i have prayed so long for this to go away... It has not. So i wonder where God is in this. i wonder if i am not listening, or if i am meant to be here.