Hope, Faith, and Grace

Even though i have spent my life a christian i really find that i struggle with the words above.
i am learning that you can't live without hope; hope in a better future, hope in love, hope in something in this world that is better than all the horror, and struggle around me. it's easier for me to hope things for others than hoping for myself. i fear more than i hope. i struggle finding the confidence to hope for anything, i fear if i hope too much, and it doesn't happen, what does that mean? i know God is still God.

An aunt of mine's ex used to tell me all the time that he remembered the first time he met me, i was probably 3, and i had told him that my angel fish had died, and that Jesus had taken it up to heaven. Then, he would remark that he admired my faith, although, i think i had a dream that i walked into my living room, and Jesus, in the robes, and his glowing glory was taking my fish up to heaven. i wish i still had that faith, that certain faith, that i knew God would come down and fix everything and make things all better.

i can't seem to wrap my head around grace. every night i thank God for his grace, but then i get distracted by what that means, grace, and that it's something that i have prayed almost every night if not every night for over 20 years. i often look grace up in the dictionary only because it looses its' bigness when i pray "God i thank you for your grace..." i feel like grace is so much bigger than i can ever wrap my head around, and i never give it the true recognition it truly deserves. it's a word that is said so much that it has lost it's deeper meaning...

So tired

Okay i want to write and tell you all four who probably will read this, and tell you how wonderful Wicked was, because it truly was fabulous (just ask Jenny Hobbs).

BUT

i am way to tired. Ask me, i'd love to tell you!

BTW

Shoshanna Bean is even more fabulous!

goodnight

A lack of faith, and it's redemption

A couple weeks ago i was brainlessly watching MTV, and i grew discouraged with how self-absorbed, vain, shallow, and petty we as a culture are.
My redemption came while i was listening to NPR the next day, and the story of a girl from Gaston who, after watching "Hotel Rwanda", live was forever changed. She was struck by a particular line that had caught my attention as well when i had. It was when the camera guy was saying that when footage of what was happening was shown, we as would watch it, think it was sad, and awful, but we would go back to our lives.
But this 11 year old girl had the determination to ask for money to send to Darfur, instead of gifts for her birthday, who sells eggs so she can send money to help out. A girl who has inspired her classmates, a girl who saw the world as something bigger than herself.