Hope, Faith, and Grace

Even though i have spent my life a christian i really find that i struggle with the words above.
i am learning that you can't live without hope; hope in a better future, hope in love, hope in something in this world that is better than all the horror, and struggle around me. it's easier for me to hope things for others than hoping for myself. i fear more than i hope. i struggle finding the confidence to hope for anything, i fear if i hope too much, and it doesn't happen, what does that mean? i know God is still God.

An aunt of mine's ex used to tell me all the time that he remembered the first time he met me, i was probably 3, and i had told him that my angel fish had died, and that Jesus had taken it up to heaven. Then, he would remark that he admired my faith, although, i think i had a dream that i walked into my living room, and Jesus, in the robes, and his glowing glory was taking my fish up to heaven. i wish i still had that faith, that certain faith, that i knew God would come down and fix everything and make things all better.

i can't seem to wrap my head around grace. every night i thank God for his grace, but then i get distracted by what that means, grace, and that it's something that i have prayed almost every night if not every night for over 20 years. i often look grace up in the dictionary only because it looses its' bigness when i pray "God i thank you for your grace..." i feel like grace is so much bigger than i can ever wrap my head around, and i never give it the true recognition it truly deserves. it's a word that is said so much that it has lost it's deeper meaning...