Hard Stuff

i have to admit that i haven't been writing lately because i have been dealing with what i perceive as hard stuff.
At times i am so tired but my mind won't stop so by the end of the day it's all i can do to fall asleep at night.

i struggle with feeling awkward all the time, most of the time i can ignore the sheer panic and freaking out... But lately i kind of want to hide under my bed with my shoes. And i have to remember that i am not a member of the bluthe family (from arrested development) or that i go to mckinley high school (freaks & geeks), but sometimes those imaginary relationships are the easiest because they never ask the hard questions, and sometimes "how are you doing" feels like a hard question. i have been searching lately for what makes me tick, for what makes me afraid, what makes me want to run and hide.

i guess i feel like i have more questions than answers.

In my life time

i've been having these thoughts of things i have seen in my lifetime... When i was at dinner with friends earlier this month their discussion of students entering the college never knew of a divided Germany, and i remember the fall of the Berlin wall.
Right now i'm reading a book called "bachelor girl", it's an account of single women over the last 100 years. It's been really interesting some of the stigma that was associated with being single, and also some of the stigma that still sticks.

It's exciting for me to daydream and think of having someone other than a white male running this country. i got a little emotional when i was listening to NPR and they were talking about Nanci Pelosi sworn in. i got caught up in the moment of these barriers, and glass ceilings being broken through. i am realistic, and although it thrills me to no end to see the face of change, i also too become pessimistic that my other fellow americans are as excited to see that face of change.


My word for this year is Crazy--

The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
--Apple, INC.

New Year

i have to say that i hate the idea of a New Years' resolution for myself. i only hate them because i never keep them, and honestly i lack the discipline to really change whatever, and even more i just don't care.

i was very hesitant for this year only because i feel like i was really pushed this week. i was so irrational, which stemmed from me not feeling like i was being heard. Now the problem lies in clear communication, which apparently through a conversation with my boss i realized that i wasn't being clear. So when we finally started speaking the same language i felt like a heel.
Why is it so hard for us to communicate our needs? For me at least i get hurt when i feel like i am not being heard, and i struggle really saying what i need. It seems crazy what fear keeps us from, sometimes it feels like fear really keeps me from living, it keeps me isolated, and alone.

i do feel like i learned a lot about myself this week. So maybe my promise to me, not as a new years' resolution but something to myself is to listen to what i need, and what i communicate to others.

Squished

So, now my new favorite thing is the chiropractor. He adjusted my back, and i feel so much better. He's pretty much a rock star in my book; i have to admit, you make me feel better i would sing your praises to the world.
Also, there really isn't that physical pain associated with the back pain. So if you need a guy, i totally have a guy for you.

Now only if someone could adjust my love life...