i might like spring if...

my allergies didn't go haywire every year.

The sniffles, the runny nose, the mass quantities of tissue shoved in any pocket, watery red puffy eyes. . . i hate to whine, but a girl cannot function when she cannot see. i was joking with a co-worker today that the red watery puffy eyes really accentuates the raw runny nose. It's all the rage in Milan---

The worst part is i take stuff- this year has been bad!


It looks as if it will be a season of glasses, eye drops and tissue. . . And will be breathing through my mouth since breathing through my nostrils seem almost impossible. . .

i really love the lyrics of Patty Griffin, i have used her words before. She knows the words that my heart never seems articulate enough to say. This is my favorite Patty song because of the acknowledgment of despair, but even through the pain and acknowledgment of the lack of hope, hope still seems to be alive. If you don't know her, i recommend her. i love her, she has changed my life- i can never listen to music the same way- she sings the words of my soul.

The Sunday after, there was laughter in the air
Everybody had a kite they were flying everywhere
And all the trouble went away and it wasn't just a dream
All the trouble went away, and it wasn't just a dream

In the middle of the night
We try and try with all our might
To light a little light down here
In the middle of the night
We dream of a million kites
Flying high above the sadness and the fear

Little sister, just remember as you wander through the blue
The little kite that you sent flying on a Sunday afternoon
Made of something light as nothing
Made of joy that matters too
How the little dreams we dream are all we can really do

In the middle of the night
The world turns with all its might
A little diamond, colored blue
In the middle of the night
We keep sending little kites
Until a little light gets through

not alone...

It never ceases to amaze me when i am feeling my worst that when i share my burden, my ache, my sorrow that the pain i feel eases. The funny thing is, that scary thing i feel so bad about most of the time isn't really as bad it feels inside of me.
Maybe those are the lies we grow up with, you are alone, nobody will understand you, you will be loved conditionally, you are unworthy. . .
It must be there where we learn to wear masks. It's there where we learn not to be true to who we are. But often i find that when i am honest, even at the fear of isolating others, i find comfort. But maybe that has to be for someone true to understand the baring of ones' own soul, even if it costs respect. i know some who may be reading this are some who have said to me "i was afraid to say anything because i didn't want you to think less of me." As someone who lives this fear i hurt. i hurt that there could be judgement there- and as much as i wish that i could say i would never judge. . . to say never could prove to be sooner than i thought. But that shouldn't detour us from being honest, sharing our lives, and striving to live into this thing called community.
For me it's my refuge where i realize i am not alone, because more than likely i haven't been the only one struggling, and that when we share our burdens we are living.