Oh Mr. Wizard may i don't supose you have some courage in your big black bag for me...

i have known for such a long time that i lack courage. i like staying comfortable, it's less scary. But i have to admit it doesn't get me very far...
It's tough to say when and where the lack of faith came, all i know is that it keeps me from doing a lot of things. i think fear that runs into worry seems to run my life. It makes really awkward, and i feel awkward often. So often i don't know what to say, or how to act, and i don't feel comfortable just being. That natural state where you just feel organic… adequate.

A prayer from Thomas Merton

i love love love Thomas Merton, and in celebration with the return of my favorite book here is a section from "Thoughts in Solitude" that has become my prayer:

My Lord God, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think i am following your will doesn't not mean that i am actually doing so. But i believe that thee desire to please you does in fact please you. And i hope i have that desire in all that i am doing. i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire. And i know that if i do this you will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. Therefore i will trust you always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

What possessed you to do that...

Do you ever say you're going to do something... And then as the time passes you think... "What on EARTH (but you really don't want to say earth) did i agree to that for?"

i just wrote a missed connection on Craigslist... For my bus driver... BUS DRIVER...

It all started as i was getting all sorts of grief from a co-worker about my singleness. Why is it that those that want to see you happy are the one's who don't know what it is that truly makes you happy? Or what they choose to analyze everything in you makes you feel worse than you did before... She told me things that i truly didn't agree with about myself, which seems to lead to a spiraling sadness, followed by self-loathing...

But she bet me $5.00 i wouldn't do anything with a crush... So, to make $5 off of some dumb posting on Craigslist that he probably won't see isn't too scary.
My biggest problem is i think too much. Which leads to another problem, my inability to step out and take risks because i'm too scared.

Seriously though, i just posted on Craigslist... i don't know how i feel about that...