Tired

My week has been such a drain on me. Which my highlight was buying candles at illuminations for half off, so instead of being ridiculously expensive=>moderately priced lovely smelling candles. i am still in need of shopping for a swimsuit. No luck today. i did find obscenely priced board shorts. i think i'll wait.

i should go to bed, i feel as if i could sleep for a week. i might, it's tempting. i'm glad it's a three day weekend for me, and it begins with Vibrant being brought into the Covenant. i think i will cry, which isn't a hard feat at that, i'm a baby.

Love

i guess love is a tricky thing to write on, especially when it's posted on the web.

For a New Year's gift i was given the gift of a word (a red envelope w/ a word and a quote to go along w/ the word). My word was caress. In this instance i believed God was laughing... At me... i actually went and looked the word up, to make sure that i didn't get confused or something. My first thought after being annoyed, was "Haha, God very funny". But i liked being touched, not in some pervo way, but hugs, and cuddling... Platonically w/ girls, in a very non-sexual way. So i then believed the word would do. Not at all that this has anything to do with love, but i guess it does, hugging in an affection that comes from love.

i don't get romantic love, and if i ever found cupid we would have several words (some may not be suitable for other to hear). i have never been good at those kinds of relationships. It seems that i am only attracted to guys who really only think of me as a friend.
i guess i've been thinking about this a lot since last week i had dinner with a guy friend of mine and we talked about dating. He said he could imagine me as being picky. i wanted to laugh, and say "you haven't met the last guy i'm still trying to get over". But maybe i am picky, and there is nothing wrong with that. i know who i am, and i get really attached to people, and it is hard when they are no longer in my life. So, i could never be one of those people who casually dates.
Plus, any guy i have ever dated hates my guts. i am socially retarded when it comes to girlfriend stuff. i really don't know what to do. i kind of look at him like "he's got to be crazy for liking me, right?" It feels like catching a fish and it's in the boat flopping around, and i'm dodging that thing b/c i have no idea what to do next, all i know is i want out of that boat. Panic and run, just panic and run. And the one whom i didn't panic and run from broke my heart. So i'm gun shy, because i'm learning to feel again. Still.
i do love seeing others in love. i like knowing it's out there, it may not be in my future, but it's still there. There is hope, and i can't live in a world without hope.
So here's to hoping.

Smile

This made me smile and i hope it makes you smile too.
There was a story in the BBC's site that talked about pig olympics.
So, in the spirit of sportsmans(pig)ship. i bring you, pigs playing sports.


Plus, i love the fact that the pig is wearing a swimming cap!

Good Friends

i am realizing that i am blessed with such good friends.

Do i tell you guys that you are terrific friends?

i don't tell many people, but at times i suffer from mild undiagnosed depression, or maybe it just is real sadness... But i used to cry to my mom about how i never had felt that i had fit in, that i always felt out of place, too goodie-goodie for most, and not "Christian" enough for the christiains. My mom would always tell me that we were not of this world, and that is why i felt out of place, and mom's are meant to try comforting their hurting child. No offense to my wonderful mother, whom i love so much, but it never seemed to comfort me, i wanted healing now not in another life. But as i have grown, so have my friendships, and i know so many amazing people who i click with. So i don't cry from loneliness. i thank God for my friends, you guys have blessed my life so richly. i don't feel worthy, but oh well, i'll take it and soak in these friendships.

(Stacy, i found this through Kodak, i think, and i love it!)

Happy Good Friday

Holy days for me are hard, because i want to shut myself in my own world and absorb the relevance of the day. Most of the time however, i cannot. i sort of thought of it being Good Friday at several times today.
It must be an odd day to understand if faith is not your cup of tea.
But what a day for those who believe. There are times that i cannot lift my eyes because of the guilt and shame of knowing that i have a part to play in my savior nailed to a tree. Along with that, though comes the gratitude for grace. Every night i thank God for His grace, but sometimes i feel the words fall off my lips as if i were ordering a sandwich, "God thanks for your grace". i have to try real hard not to get mad at myself for the words have gone stale. When i speak to God i want my words to be honest and real, and not routine.
tonight i got together with some friends and attended a Seder. It was a beautiful tradition, i love customs that are passed down (although, there needs to be caution so it doesn't become routine). But there was so much tradition in this meal. Although i was reminded of Fiddler on the Roof. Although now i really want a tattoo that says hallelujah in Hebrew, the lettering looked beautiful... Although, my ancestry comes from Europe, and i don't know if it would be disrespectful.

Happy Good Friday.

Shalom

My Space

Okay, i spent WAY too much time on myspace looking up people from High School. When i was done with high school i was done, no way around it. But a friend from high school looked me up, and after looking through those on myspace, and the one's that i remember ( i think i repressed a lot of them); she was probably the only one i would have contacted.

i like looking at my friends pages, because you can see their personality through their page.

But i did feel very much like a peeping tom spying into the lives of my former classmates. Oh, well, i really doubt that i will go to my reunion so i'm catching up, and trying to figure out who most of them were!


Happy Maundy Thursday.

My day off...

Today is my "me" day... i stayed in bed until 10 and didn't feel guilty.
i did however go "running" with my roommate. Poor girl, i think she really wanted to run, however out of shape me, couldn't handle running for the half hour we ran through Laurlhurst. i did however, run the equivalent of once around the park, and i realized i really do hate running (i walked quickly twice). It makes me aware that i am out of shape, and i feel like i look ridiculous, but maybe that's how we all feel... But i do want to start running, because i want to take care of myself. i wouldn't mind loosing some of the extra fluff around my middle.
i'm excited because my c-group is going to the food bank tonight. i've enjoyed everything we've done there from scooping noodles, and dried cheese to make mac and cheese for folks to bagging onions. i love being with my group serving others. i like being behind the scenes, especially when i serve. i guess to make sure that my motives are pure. i'm doing this to serve others, and not for any recognition for my self.
In a little bit Angie and i are going to check out the new Jo-Ann's superstore. i am a little bitter, because they closed down the two Jo-Ann's by my house for the "Super" store. i'm not sure how i feel about it... i have felt like i should support local smaller businesses, and i may be doing that now, so maybe it's not all bad, and i will shop at the new Jo-Ann's, just not as often.

A funk thing

i've been in a funk lately. It often spurs out of control when i let my self doubt take place, and that is the hard thing, to not sit and feel sorry for yourself. i get impatient with myself when i just get sad or blue or depressed for not any real reason, maybe because i really don't feel like my life is that bad. Maybe there should be a diagnosis of George Bailey disease.

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i did get to see my nieces this weekend. i have found my new favorite thing-> having that little one that melts your heart want to be with you. My four year old niece who i haven't seen since Christmas just melted in my lap. It felt good to love and be loved by this sweet little one. She told my mom after i left that she "loved her Betsy." i do miss that girl.

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Time change

Day lights savings always bothers me. Well, actually just the spring forward. But i've never been too much of a fan of loosing sleep. It's never a good thing to start a week off tired. Well, maybe i'll just go to bed early to off set going to be at 2 last night.