Love

i guess love is a tricky thing to write on, especially when it's posted on the web.

For a New Year's gift i was given the gift of a word (a red envelope w/ a word and a quote to go along w/ the word). My word was caress. In this instance i believed God was laughing... At me... i actually went and looked the word up, to make sure that i didn't get confused or something. My first thought after being annoyed, was "Haha, God very funny". But i liked being touched, not in some pervo way, but hugs, and cuddling... Platonically w/ girls, in a very non-sexual way. So i then believed the word would do. Not at all that this has anything to do with love, but i guess it does, hugging in an affection that comes from love.

i don't get romantic love, and if i ever found cupid we would have several words (some may not be suitable for other to hear). i have never been good at those kinds of relationships. It seems that i am only attracted to guys who really only think of me as a friend.
i guess i've been thinking about this a lot since last week i had dinner with a guy friend of mine and we talked about dating. He said he could imagine me as being picky. i wanted to laugh, and say "you haven't met the last guy i'm still trying to get over". But maybe i am picky, and there is nothing wrong with that. i know who i am, and i get really attached to people, and it is hard when they are no longer in my life. So, i could never be one of those people who casually dates.
Plus, any guy i have ever dated hates my guts. i am socially retarded when it comes to girlfriend stuff. i really don't know what to do. i kind of look at him like "he's got to be crazy for liking me, right?" It feels like catching a fish and it's in the boat flopping around, and i'm dodging that thing b/c i have no idea what to do next, all i know is i want out of that boat. Panic and run, just panic and run. And the one whom i didn't panic and run from broke my heart. So i'm gun shy, because i'm learning to feel again. Still.
i do love seeing others in love. i like knowing it's out there, it may not be in my future, but it's still there. There is hope, and i can't live in a world without hope.
So here's to hoping.