Finding Inspiration

i have to admit i haven't had much inspiration as of late to really write. Life the last few weeks have seemed harder than usual. But i'm finding the unintentional intentional support of friends. <-Them not realizing how much their kindness affects my life.

We're trying something new in our Cgroup, the second Tuesday we go to the food bank to connect locally; and the last Tuesday of the month we watch a documentary about a global issue to connect globally. i once heard called glocal -> looking both at home and abroad.
Last night we watched, "Promises"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promises_(film)). It centers around 7 young Palestinian, and Israeli kids. They are all so beautiful, honest, and fractured. What i adored were their faces, their words amazed me. They were so serious and mature for being so young.
It's hard for me in my "Western" mind to truly understand their life, and the issues that divide them. Maybe because i never understood why you would hate someone you didn't know. i have to admit i knew and still know little about what divides them; i did learn a brief history of the conflict.
What i admired was the director's ability to show both sides, to show them as people instead of as victim/terrorist. More importantly, he opened up some of their lives, and allow them to meet whom they were brought up to hate and fear. For a moment i felt hope, for a moment i had hope that one day there could be peace. There is tremendous power in being known, and getting to know.

One of the quotes i really liked was from a secular Israeli boy named Daniel. Daniel says “In war both sides suffer. Maybe theres a “winner” but whats a winner. People on BOTH sides die. Both sides loose.””

i wish there could be peace, that they would be able to live side by side in peace an harmony. i loved that there was hope for some of them that they could resolve their differences.

Dirty little triggers

i've been a little down the last couple of days. Actually, in all honestly i know the trigger. In all honesty it's hard to admit the trigger and put it out there for unnamed people to read. That kind of vulnerability is scary. i am also convinced that only my friends will read this, since i lead a pretty boring life.

i never thought i had baggage, but apparently i do. It festers in the form of insecurity, of not feeling good about me; and this trigger sends me deep down into a spiral of self pity, and doubt. i had doubt before, but this catapulted into a whole new realm of insecurity.

This trigger reminds me of my faults, my weakness, and my worst fear. It then separates me from God, because i feel so trapped. i am frustrated because i have prayed for so long for resolution, but no resolution has come.

Neutral

Today has been hectic. i've been pretty busy, and overwhelmed at work the last two weeks, now going on three. Honestly, i hate it. b/c i want to stay positive, and not let my frustration show. It's hard too when everyone is so busy, and there is no communication. So, i've got to remember to communicate. i also think a negative attitude is contagious, especially in a small office.

In my down time i feel nothing, borderline apathetic. i can't really explain it. It's learning to live where i am right now too. It's hard when you learn growing up how bad apathy is, and this is my current emotion it's kind of like. "where do i go with this?"

When i look back from where i was a year-year and a half ago, there has been so much movement in my life. Good movement. i was struck with it on Sunday. It's embarrassing for me to admit how much i used to cry from depression, but now, it's not been that much. i do wonder if it is the apathy. And i do care about stuff, i do have passions and they are the things that really matter to me. i guess my apathy lies in the neutral. It feels healthy too, not like i just don't care about anything, i am just blah about the mundane.

Living in the Gray

My life is all sorts of gray. At times i admire those whose lives are so concrete black and white, but my mind is always full of "what if's". i am learning that in order to process life one must share it, even if it's yucky stuff. i am grateful to God that i have been blessed with a support system that i can lean on in tough times. It was however tough for me to learn this. i don't want to burden people, especially when it's something that i can't get over easily, and i am unable it seems to get over things.
And my life seems to be what if's and there is a reason for everything. Also when i do phase things into black and white i always seem to be wrong, and so i see the need for gray.

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Today my friend who's in New Zealand, her dad came and dropped off some photos from when i was down there. i am really excited b/c one of them is the picture i have here, but it actually turned out and isn't blurry. It was good reminders from the fun trip.

Thoughts from an untired mind

i still am having trouble sleeping. The good news is that i am now able to sleep in my bed (i had been sleeping on my bedroom floor for weeks and weeks, b/c i can't fall asleep in my bed).
Yesterday at the benefits fair at work i stopped by the accupunturist. He pricked me, and i felt relaxed, and we talked of my inability to fall asleep. The acupuncture did seem to work b/c i was relaxed for the rest of the day, so i may now start getting acupuncture.
i get frustrated b/c this is when my mind wanders, and over thinks everything.


Tuesday i watched my niece. She's so cute, she gave me hugs and kisses for the first time on her own. We had fun jumped on my trampoline, she took a bath, and then a nap and then more playing and some sponge bob (i cannot understand the fascination). She did however while she wasn't wearing her diaper manage to pee on my kitchen floor, and my step stool. i really hope she does not get moved across the country, i couldn't bear having her that far away, especially when it feels like she may be the closest i ever get to having a child around me.

Unexpected surprises

i really have to say for the frustration that i have had with co-workers we work well together, even though it seems like we have to do things at the last minute.
i was able to see Shannon get pinned, even though i haven't worked a full day this week. i guess it's like a family there are the misunderstandings, but when it really comes down we are there to support each other. So i guess it's not like a family, it is a family.

The neatness of my mind

Sometimes i think i am ill, or crazy. i say this because i spent yesterday cleaning, and i liked it! There is something to be said about doing something that there is an end result, a clean house, a quilt, a blanket, etc. i think i felt the need to clean because we got a new couch, a grown up couch (thank you Jenny Kuker). Plus since i can't control my circumstances, i can keep things orgainized, and i really am not obsessive about cleanilness, i think. Really i am not crazy.

i'm also reading "The DaVinci Code", it's okay the author is a little (or a lot) pretensious), but it is interesting fiction.
Here's some advice if you are planning to read it, don't go to Wikipedia and look up the book, they give you spoilers... i found that out the hard way :~(

LOST

You are the bad boyfriend that i cannot break up with. After our encounters you always leave me with more questions then before. You leave for months on end with no call, and when you return you offer no apology. You throw so much drama, and twists at me i feel like i've been through the spin cycle.

i would leave you, but i cannot, why because for the life of me i want to know what happens. Because you are the drug that i crave.

Say hello to my little friend

i think i shall call her Junior.

This beatiful sunshine

Yesterday i spent the afternoon with a good friend. It's been some time since we hung out, but it's always funny that though time has passed there is still that good friendship there.
She's really praying about becoming a nun, which amazes me. i think because it sounds so deep. i could tell it was becoming a reality for her, because she was trying to give me her CDs. It really caused me to evaluate my life. i try not to become wrapped up in the materialistic lifestyle, says the girl who will probably being buying a sewing machine this weekend.
i've had this week off, and it has been good. i've felt spread very thin for the last while, and i think the bout of solitude has really deepened my thirst for community. i've also enjoyed getting away. There seems to be many mini dramas at work, and i guess i don't want to get caught up with them. Honestly i hate drama, it makes me feel tired emotionally.
i feel like i'm growing stronger. i worry sometimes if i am becoming better at emotionally detaching, which means repressing for me. The last year and a half has been such a struggle for me, i feel like i had to reassess who i was. Actually the last year i feel i have been reorganizing my life after the tumultuous six months prior. As much as i hate to admit it though that mess and pain has taught me a lot.

There's no place like home...

i'm house sitting right now. There are things i definitely like about house sitting, like the solitude for a short time. Don't get me wrong, i like my roommate, but there is something to be said about a short retreat. Plus the best bonus is coming home. By the end of my stay i look forward to going home.

i am hopeful for Darfur. It is my hope and prayer that peace can be achieved. But i hope more that we as the US can keep the Sudanese government accountable to protect its' people. i guess it's up to us to keep our government involved.

Sadness

i'm sad, the Calgary Flames did not advance in the play offs. Maybe next year.

:~(

Monday, Monday

Today is my Monday. And boy was it a Monday, actually i lied it wasn't too bad. i didn't want to get out of bed (from the weekend of getting up e-a-r-l-y on Saturday, and the wicked early on Sunday after sleeping a fantastic 3 1/2 hours of GNC lack of sleep), so i was in denial.
Then the Burnside bridge was suck up, and so there was a detour so i was late... But that's all the bad, and that's not bad at all really.

And i feel so sleepy. Luckily i am working late, so i can sleep in.

i was reading Stacy's post on myspace with Stacy facts, and there was a question about "how do you attract the opposite sex," it made me laugh, and i wanted to repost that only because i wanted to say, "it's not a matter of attracting, i'm much better at repelling."
Now, before you get mad and reply let me explain, i'm not so good at attracting guys, or at least i don't seem to be. i hung out with an old friend a few weeks ago, and it seemed that we were refiguring each other out. i had fun, i have no clue if he did. i haven't heard from him, which doesn't bode much for my confidence; but i won't loose any sleep over it. The phone goes both ways. As for dating, i don't seem to be good at it; so i can't let it/ or the lack of really get to me. There isn't really anyone i want to date, or should date for that matter. Plus, my heart still longs for the one who broke it (which annoys me, i just wish my feelings would change).

Irony

Today seems to be surrounded with controversy. i did want to march and protest, for the thousands who are here illegally. They are breaking the law, but guess what, as legal citizens we do the same too, by jay walking, running lights, or littering, just to name a few.
i try to see both sides, only to better understand what i am grasping at for my own opinion. i had a friend here who was here illegally working, paying taxes and being taken advantage of by his employer. He would sometimes work overtime without receiving overtime, because that was the agreement, and it always bothered me.
i have also been thinking a lot of a way to remedy the situation, and that would be to help establish more work in Mexico, but it's always harder than it sounds. But there has to be a way to keep families together, and to grow the Mexican economy. Many leave because they can get more money here, and who can blame them? i don't.
About a month ago i read "the tortilla curtain", and it talked about illegal immigration and the lives it effects. i really want to see "a day without a Mexican".
i too am bothered by the harsh words of Christians who are not advocating for the foreigner in the land. Since when did the law of the land out weigh the law of God? i believe that we should respect the laws, but a felony for being an illegal worker, come on. We are a country based on immigrants many whom were illegal. If we take a real hard line view it will not miraculously make the undocumented workers mysteriously go away, it will only make their lives more dangerous. Let us advocate for them so they will not be abused.

Let us in a spirit of compassion and humanity recognize their hard work, and say thank you on a day that recognizes the worker be it legal or illegal.

Tired

My week has been such a drain on me. Which my highlight was buying candles at illuminations for half off, so instead of being ridiculously expensive=>moderately priced lovely smelling candles. i am still in need of shopping for a swimsuit. No luck today. i did find obscenely priced board shorts. i think i'll wait.

i should go to bed, i feel as if i could sleep for a week. i might, it's tempting. i'm glad it's a three day weekend for me, and it begins with Vibrant being brought into the Covenant. i think i will cry, which isn't a hard feat at that, i'm a baby.

Love

i guess love is a tricky thing to write on, especially when it's posted on the web.

For a New Year's gift i was given the gift of a word (a red envelope w/ a word and a quote to go along w/ the word). My word was caress. In this instance i believed God was laughing... At me... i actually went and looked the word up, to make sure that i didn't get confused or something. My first thought after being annoyed, was "Haha, God very funny". But i liked being touched, not in some pervo way, but hugs, and cuddling... Platonically w/ girls, in a very non-sexual way. So i then believed the word would do. Not at all that this has anything to do with love, but i guess it does, hugging in an affection that comes from love.

i don't get romantic love, and if i ever found cupid we would have several words (some may not be suitable for other to hear). i have never been good at those kinds of relationships. It seems that i am only attracted to guys who really only think of me as a friend.
i guess i've been thinking about this a lot since last week i had dinner with a guy friend of mine and we talked about dating. He said he could imagine me as being picky. i wanted to laugh, and say "you haven't met the last guy i'm still trying to get over". But maybe i am picky, and there is nothing wrong with that. i know who i am, and i get really attached to people, and it is hard when they are no longer in my life. So, i could never be one of those people who casually dates.
Plus, any guy i have ever dated hates my guts. i am socially retarded when it comes to girlfriend stuff. i really don't know what to do. i kind of look at him like "he's got to be crazy for liking me, right?" It feels like catching a fish and it's in the boat flopping around, and i'm dodging that thing b/c i have no idea what to do next, all i know is i want out of that boat. Panic and run, just panic and run. And the one whom i didn't panic and run from broke my heart. So i'm gun shy, because i'm learning to feel again. Still.
i do love seeing others in love. i like knowing it's out there, it may not be in my future, but it's still there. There is hope, and i can't live in a world without hope.
So here's to hoping.

Smile

This made me smile and i hope it makes you smile too.
There was a story in the BBC's site that talked about pig olympics.
So, in the spirit of sportsmans(pig)ship. i bring you, pigs playing sports.


Plus, i love the fact that the pig is wearing a swimming cap!

Good Friends

i am realizing that i am blessed with such good friends.

Do i tell you guys that you are terrific friends?

i don't tell many people, but at times i suffer from mild undiagnosed depression, or maybe it just is real sadness... But i used to cry to my mom about how i never had felt that i had fit in, that i always felt out of place, too goodie-goodie for most, and not "Christian" enough for the christiains. My mom would always tell me that we were not of this world, and that is why i felt out of place, and mom's are meant to try comforting their hurting child. No offense to my wonderful mother, whom i love so much, but it never seemed to comfort me, i wanted healing now not in another life. But as i have grown, so have my friendships, and i know so many amazing people who i click with. So i don't cry from loneliness. i thank God for my friends, you guys have blessed my life so richly. i don't feel worthy, but oh well, i'll take it and soak in these friendships.

(Stacy, i found this through Kodak, i think, and i love it!)

Happy Good Friday

Holy days for me are hard, because i want to shut myself in my own world and absorb the relevance of the day. Most of the time however, i cannot. i sort of thought of it being Good Friday at several times today.
It must be an odd day to understand if faith is not your cup of tea.
But what a day for those who believe. There are times that i cannot lift my eyes because of the guilt and shame of knowing that i have a part to play in my savior nailed to a tree. Along with that, though comes the gratitude for grace. Every night i thank God for His grace, but sometimes i feel the words fall off my lips as if i were ordering a sandwich, "God thanks for your grace". i have to try real hard not to get mad at myself for the words have gone stale. When i speak to God i want my words to be honest and real, and not routine.
tonight i got together with some friends and attended a Seder. It was a beautiful tradition, i love customs that are passed down (although, there needs to be caution so it doesn't become routine). But there was so much tradition in this meal. Although i was reminded of Fiddler on the Roof. Although now i really want a tattoo that says hallelujah in Hebrew, the lettering looked beautiful... Although, my ancestry comes from Europe, and i don't know if it would be disrespectful.

Happy Good Friday.

Shalom

My Space

Okay, i spent WAY too much time on myspace looking up people from High School. When i was done with high school i was done, no way around it. But a friend from high school looked me up, and after looking through those on myspace, and the one's that i remember ( i think i repressed a lot of them); she was probably the only one i would have contacted.

i like looking at my friends pages, because you can see their personality through their page.

But i did feel very much like a peeping tom spying into the lives of my former classmates. Oh, well, i really doubt that i will go to my reunion so i'm catching up, and trying to figure out who most of them were!


Happy Maundy Thursday.