oh the shame

Um, i just spent way too many hours laying floor watching too much tv, but i love mythbuster so much...

Shot

Today was the first shot in a long string of shots for my trip to Africa!

oh the woe

It only seems obvious that since i have been looking forward to this skirt pattern since the dawn to time, yes i said it the DAWN OF TIME, that it would not turn out quite the way i wanted. As i looked at the fabric cut out lying on my floor, one of my first thoughts was, that HAS to be too big it's not going to fit. Well, it fits around the waist barely, (it's a tad big) but the rest of it is way too big... And not very flattering... Although after taking out the darts it does look a little better.
Now i need to figure out how to make it fit better in through the hips... And fix the zipper...

Ponderings

So i gave up mass consumerism for Lent... It seems that I have more $$ in my bank account now that I ponder, "do I really need that?"

My thought behind it was, right now I buy because I want not because I need.

Hopefully this will change my spending habits into buying what I need versus what I want...

Get Fat

Sometimes the thought of Fat Tuesday offends me... Although any reason to drink is a reason to drink, right? I struggle because it does make me feel judgmental. I guess I think you do something because you want to, or you don't because you don't want too. But maybe it's like everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.
I've been thinking of things to give up for Lent, and like last year I tried giving up a bad attitude... I don't think I made it a day... I know this year I want to be intentional, and sincere with what I'm giving over to God. After a long thought process, and inspiration I intentionally want to give up my consumerism. I'm hoping this starts the new legacy of actually letting go of the need for "things". So the only shopping I can do is grocery necessities. No junk. No books, music, or movies, which seem to be my down fall.
In the past I have broken the need/habit from Lent, so hopefully in the future I will only buy what I need.

I pray for you and for me that this Lenten season will bring clarity, hope, and a closer understanding with God as we learn to readjust our attention.

Girls in need of a safer time

I think it's about time that we have brought to the surface of the objectification of women in this culture. This is where I become a feminist, I guess I am all the time, but this is where she gets out her soapbox to speak.

I was reading an article about how sexualization is harmful towards young girls.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6376421.stm)

It really doesn't surprise me that how the media portrays women is harmful. Look at the role model that girls have been given: Barbie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears. Just watch any commercial, or cable after 10 pm and you see how women sell themselves short by becoming a sex object. I couldn't even go through the internet without some sort of advertisement about how to date barely dressed "perfect" women.

We all have cellulite, wrinkles, gray hair, saddlebags, and imperfect. God never designed us to look perfect, or maybe we get it wrong... Maybe as we are we look perfect to him.
I now can see why it's hard for us to take away the performance for God mentality. If I have to alter the way I look for others to find value in me, then how do go before someone who desires perfection when I am imperfect. And although God desires perfection, he understands my flaws, and loves me regardless.

I'm listening to the PodCast of This American Life; the second half of the story is about a game show for girls and how it fails miserably. It's really sad, and even though it's depressing about the culture of girls now days it's worth a listen to foolishly believe that we can change the culture for our girls so they can grow up knowing their beauty on the inside too.

Good Bye Saturdays

I would like to in hind-sight say good bye to regularly having Saturdays off. You were good while you lasted, I did enjoy our brief time together of sleeping in, and hanging out with my mom...

I'll see you hopefully in September, try not to forget me...

i love anne lamott

Not to toot my own horn, but i have to say that i have felt pretty inspired as of late( by that i mean yesterday and today). My emotions seem to move and change faster than the tide...

i really want to live outside of me. i get tired of me and my whiney complaints. There is a lot around for me to be inspired.

Really for the first time in my life i feel like i'm being challenged to grow, question my identity, and become this person that i am called to be. The more i talk of these ideas of things i want to do the more people around me will keep me accountable to my actions. i'm really good about talking about social justice and caring for the world around me, but the easiest and more selfish action is talking, and then not doing. Although it is so easy to get overwhelmed on where to start, so then easy for me nothing ever happens...

It's my goal to think deflect my thoughts on me and to find things that benefit the world outside me.



How much longer am I going to think about my hair more often than about things in the world that matter?
- Anne Lamott
from "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"

Hard Stuff

i have to admit that i haven't been writing lately because i have been dealing with what i perceive as hard stuff.
At times i am so tired but my mind won't stop so by the end of the day it's all i can do to fall asleep at night.

i struggle with feeling awkward all the time, most of the time i can ignore the sheer panic and freaking out... But lately i kind of want to hide under my bed with my shoes. And i have to remember that i am not a member of the bluthe family (from arrested development) or that i go to mckinley high school (freaks & geeks), but sometimes those imaginary relationships are the easiest because they never ask the hard questions, and sometimes "how are you doing" feels like a hard question. i have been searching lately for what makes me tick, for what makes me afraid, what makes me want to run and hide.

i guess i feel like i have more questions than answers.

In my life time

i've been having these thoughts of things i have seen in my lifetime... When i was at dinner with friends earlier this month their discussion of students entering the college never knew of a divided Germany, and i remember the fall of the Berlin wall.
Right now i'm reading a book called "bachelor girl", it's an account of single women over the last 100 years. It's been really interesting some of the stigma that was associated with being single, and also some of the stigma that still sticks.

It's exciting for me to daydream and think of having someone other than a white male running this country. i got a little emotional when i was listening to NPR and they were talking about Nanci Pelosi sworn in. i got caught up in the moment of these barriers, and glass ceilings being broken through. i am realistic, and although it thrills me to no end to see the face of change, i also too become pessimistic that my other fellow americans are as excited to see that face of change.


My word for this year is Crazy--

The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
--Apple, INC.

New Year

i have to say that i hate the idea of a New Years' resolution for myself. i only hate them because i never keep them, and honestly i lack the discipline to really change whatever, and even more i just don't care.

i was very hesitant for this year only because i feel like i was really pushed this week. i was so irrational, which stemmed from me not feeling like i was being heard. Now the problem lies in clear communication, which apparently through a conversation with my boss i realized that i wasn't being clear. So when we finally started speaking the same language i felt like a heel.
Why is it so hard for us to communicate our needs? For me at least i get hurt when i feel like i am not being heard, and i struggle really saying what i need. It seems crazy what fear keeps us from, sometimes it feels like fear really keeps me from living, it keeps me isolated, and alone.

i do feel like i learned a lot about myself this week. So maybe my promise to me, not as a new years' resolution but something to myself is to listen to what i need, and what i communicate to others.

Squished

So, now my new favorite thing is the chiropractor. He adjusted my back, and i feel so much better. He's pretty much a rock star in my book; i have to admit, you make me feel better i would sing your praises to the world.
Also, there really isn't that physical pain associated with the back pain. So if you need a guy, i totally have a guy for you.

Now only if someone could adjust my love life...

Moving on up

So tonight i had dinner with a friend and the couple i housesit for. It was obvious from the start that i was going to be the odd one out, being that they are all older than i. i have to admit i don't mind or feel bothered by hanging out listening to stories and conversations that i can honestly say i have no weight, although i thought i might be asked to move back to the metaphorical children's table when they found out that i was a Carter baby.
It made me think of the things we miss when we close ourselves to the world around us. It seems to becoming acceptable if it doesn't happen in our lifetime or to us directly it then does not matter. i hope i'm wrong. It just feels like in a culture saturated with poor role models have given us this dumbing down of who we are.
i think it goes beyond a matter of faith, but as a matter of humanity. If we don't step up to the plate to help those in need who then will?
i am always think of quote that Jim Wallis uses, "we are the change we are waiting for."

What do we want the Church to do? We don't ask for more cathedrals. We don't ask for bigger churches of fine gifts. We ask for its presence with us, beside us, as Christ among us. We ask the Church to sacrifice with the people for social change, for justice, and for love of brother. We don't ask for words. We ask for deeds. We don't ask for paternalism. We ask for servanthood.

- Cesar Chavez

Voice of the Day

It is in community that we come to see God in the other. It is in community that we see our own emptiness filled up. It is community that calls me beyond the pinched horizons of my own life, my own country, my own race, and gives me the gifts I do not have within me.

- Joan Chittister

Coming out of the dark

i used to find so much wonder during the season of Christmas. As i've gotten older i feel that i am in the middle of an avalanche trying just to stay near the surface. Between final exams, holiday shopping, or the mass exodus of those leaving to be near their family for the holidays there never seems to be time. i think that is truly the reason that i enjoy advent.

i am now realizing that i need to give over my lack of hope, because i truly have such a hard time hoping. The hardest thing for me is to verbalize the hope because when i do put it out there then there is an expectation, and when that expectation does not pan out then disappointment quells my hope. i was taught not to be disappointed with God, so it almost felt easier to not hope, and therefore not get disappointed then to deal with the disappointment.

After tonight i feel called out of that fear to hope. For me it's going to be a process, but i do want to hope.


Hope begins in the dark. you wait and watch and work. you don't give up.~~ Anne Lamott

Thankful

Well happy late thanksgiving. There is a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in day to day life, and sometimes the drama that ensues at work i forget to be thankful.
I'm thankful at the moment to be done with one of the three quilts i'm working on... Well, sort of three. And here it is, one of my co-workers is having a lil' monster, as she likes to call him. So, for the lil' monster i made him a lil' quilt.



i have to say i am glad to be done with it. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get life worked out. Then i make the decisions to do things like take up yoga, and bless Bill's heart, but man he puts you in for a work out. When i was talking to a friend i realized that she takes yoga with him at the rock gym. Small world.

well, good night moon.

getting up, and moving.

So, it's that season again. Time to get out the stretch pants, and loose fitting clothes. It's my goal this year to NOT gain weight, and at least maintain.
i started taking yoga. i've been 3 times, and i do enjoy it, it kicks me in the butt, but i enjoy it. i like my yoga instructor Bill is a good instructor. i have always been a little scared to join anything that involves looking ridiculous in public. But Bill is the nicest, he helps you out, and doesn't make you feel dumb if you can't quite move into downward dog. Half way through ever session i swear i will never go back, i will never do this again, and the thought are you kidding, move like that??? Yea, right mister.
But i go back, bless his heart. One day i will be a yogi, or maybe i won't fall over while doing the kneeing warrior pose.

Road to forgiveness

i'm trying to find my way back to forgiveness. i get consumed with wondering how God could know me and forgive me, know my apathy and forgive me, especially when i struggle with forgiving those who have deeply hurt me, not allowing myself to fully accept the fact that God has forgiven me, b/c that means if God has forgiven me, i must too forgive.
For me to forgive would be to let go of my self-righteous anger. Or what could be worse, reconciling with a toxin on my soul. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation though, it means letting go of the pain, hurt, and holding no harsh feelings. What i need is to allow myself to forgive without feeling the need to reconcile.
i don't want reconciliation, i want closure, i want to be free. i want to forgive, but i don't want things to go back to the way they were before. So what does that look like?

The first Tuesday in November

So, everyone is going to vote, right!? i've been a bad monkey, and i need to turn in my ballot, but i will tomorrow. Yesterday i was talking to my mom, as she was processing the need to find a new church, especially since it was "Election Sunday" at her church.
i have to say that every day i grow more thankful for the body of Vibrant. i love the diversity, politically speaking... i am proud of my liberal upbringing. i remember the first time i voted, 10 years ago with my dad. Before we each went into our respective booths he made sure to let me know to vote what i believe, not what any political party told me, but what resonated with me. It's something that i have taken in with me into adulthood. An ex of my mom's once scolded me for voting for Ralph Nader, and i replied (probably in a very annoyed tone) that i voted my conscience and that in fact i did not throw my vote away.
i've struggle over the last ten years in the church b/c the word liberal has been such a four lettered word. i truly don't want to put anyone who disagrees off, but i want so much to see social change. i want to see Christians living the life that is required of us. i was reading an article in time magazine about if God wants us to be rich. The article quoted many evangelical leaders speaking of monetary wealth, and that being how we are blessed by God. i'm sorry, but i refuse to believe that that is the avenue God chooses to bless His people. What about the millions living in Third World countries? i refuse to believe that i have some how more favor in God's eye, than a sister or brother in Christ living in the Sudan, or even someone homeless in my community.
It seems that we are so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see the world around us. Maybe we are blessed with income, not to buy a huge house, or home school our children, but to support those who are truly in need. God knows i truly don't need more income to waste on myself.
Um, back to voting. Vote what you believe; vote what resonates with your heart. If you love your library vote yes, even if it costs you a couple extra dollars a year. If you feel compelled to support the school system, and social services vote yes; give them the option to live, and learn.
But more importantly, vote what your beliefs.
As Jim Wallis says everytime i see him speak, "we are the change we have been waiting for"...