Thankful

Well happy late thanksgiving. There is a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in day to day life, and sometimes the drama that ensues at work i forget to be thankful.
I'm thankful at the moment to be done with one of the three quilts i'm working on... Well, sort of three. And here it is, one of my co-workers is having a lil' monster, as she likes to call him. So, for the lil' monster i made him a lil' quilt.



i have to say i am glad to be done with it. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get life worked out. Then i make the decisions to do things like take up yoga, and bless Bill's heart, but man he puts you in for a work out. When i was talking to a friend i realized that she takes yoga with him at the rock gym. Small world.

well, good night moon.

getting up, and moving.

So, it's that season again. Time to get out the stretch pants, and loose fitting clothes. It's my goal this year to NOT gain weight, and at least maintain.
i started taking yoga. i've been 3 times, and i do enjoy it, it kicks me in the butt, but i enjoy it. i like my yoga instructor Bill is a good instructor. i have always been a little scared to join anything that involves looking ridiculous in public. But Bill is the nicest, he helps you out, and doesn't make you feel dumb if you can't quite move into downward dog. Half way through ever session i swear i will never go back, i will never do this again, and the thought are you kidding, move like that??? Yea, right mister.
But i go back, bless his heart. One day i will be a yogi, or maybe i won't fall over while doing the kneeing warrior pose.

Road to forgiveness

i'm trying to find my way back to forgiveness. i get consumed with wondering how God could know me and forgive me, know my apathy and forgive me, especially when i struggle with forgiving those who have deeply hurt me, not allowing myself to fully accept the fact that God has forgiven me, b/c that means if God has forgiven me, i must too forgive.
For me to forgive would be to let go of my self-righteous anger. Or what could be worse, reconciling with a toxin on my soul. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation though, it means letting go of the pain, hurt, and holding no harsh feelings. What i need is to allow myself to forgive without feeling the need to reconcile.
i don't want reconciliation, i want closure, i want to be free. i want to forgive, but i don't want things to go back to the way they were before. So what does that look like?

The first Tuesday in November

So, everyone is going to vote, right!? i've been a bad monkey, and i need to turn in my ballot, but i will tomorrow. Yesterday i was talking to my mom, as she was processing the need to find a new church, especially since it was "Election Sunday" at her church.
i have to say that every day i grow more thankful for the body of Vibrant. i love the diversity, politically speaking... i am proud of my liberal upbringing. i remember the first time i voted, 10 years ago with my dad. Before we each went into our respective booths he made sure to let me know to vote what i believe, not what any political party told me, but what resonated with me. It's something that i have taken in with me into adulthood. An ex of my mom's once scolded me for voting for Ralph Nader, and i replied (probably in a very annoyed tone) that i voted my conscience and that in fact i did not throw my vote away.
i've struggle over the last ten years in the church b/c the word liberal has been such a four lettered word. i truly don't want to put anyone who disagrees off, but i want so much to see social change. i want to see Christians living the life that is required of us. i was reading an article in time magazine about if God wants us to be rich. The article quoted many evangelical leaders speaking of monetary wealth, and that being how we are blessed by God. i'm sorry, but i refuse to believe that that is the avenue God chooses to bless His people. What about the millions living in Third World countries? i refuse to believe that i have some how more favor in God's eye, than a sister or brother in Christ living in the Sudan, or even someone homeless in my community.
It seems that we are so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see the world around us. Maybe we are blessed with income, not to buy a huge house, or home school our children, but to support those who are truly in need. God knows i truly don't need more income to waste on myself.
Um, back to voting. Vote what you believe; vote what resonates with your heart. If you love your library vote yes, even if it costs you a couple extra dollars a year. If you feel compelled to support the school system, and social services vote yes; give them the option to live, and learn.
But more importantly, vote what your beliefs.
As Jim Wallis says everytime i see him speak, "we are the change we have been waiting for"...

Quote for a life time

It is not what we do that is important,
but how much love we put into what we do:
we should do small things with great love.


- Mother Teresa

Intolerant moods

i can't say that i have done anything productive today... Well, i made a killer curry... i love having Saturdays off, but often i just listen to NPR, and surf the net.
Today however, i did happen to get wrapped up in tvland... It started off innocent enough w/ some shows on the decorating channel... Then some mythbusters... i did get wrapped up in a program about the kkk on the History Channel.
i consider myself so sheltered from the culture of hatred. i never grew up thinking there was any difference between skin colors; thanks to Sunday school songs. The thought of racism still makes no sense to me, and i am so filled with such disdain, and rage. These are the programs that i have to put the remote down, or it could be hurled through my roommates television. i am enraged by the injustice, for the hypocrisy, the ignorance, and the injustice. What twists my brain into convulsions is the kkk's ideas about religion... Jesus was a Jew, he was an advocate for the oppressed, and his compassion for the least of these.
i live in fear that i am a bad representation of my faith, and so i am compelled as a Christian, and a human to care for anyone in need.
i guess that's the difference, during the program the members often spoke of preservation of their race, which is my race, which makes me ill. My skin color does not make up who i am, it has provided me with privilege that i often don't think about, and that makes me uncomfortable. Which being uncomfortable is a good thing, i should be uncomfortable, and then be apart of the change to spread love, and unity.
i have to talk and think of hope. We weren't meant to live without hope. We can hope for change, and be the change in the wind that strives for equality.

Football games and apples

It really now is starting to feel like fall.

Last night i went to my first football game in 10 years i think. They really haven't changed much. i can't say that i have either, although when i went to home games i was usually taking pictures for the yearbook, or the school paper. It was fun watch these young men play. They seemed so young and small. It seems like so long ago that being in the stands trying to decide if i cared that my school won. (Corbett played a great game last night, unfortunately for them they lost.)



Today was the ritual of going up to hood river for apples. i love apples, and squash. i have so much of the two i don't know what i'll do...Probably eat a lot of apples, pears, and squash. i really enjoy spending time with my family, well, the normal ones anyways. Although, i always discover some more of the oddness that is my family. i'm grateful that there are a few of us who are not crazy to keep me company.

Doubting Thomas am I

What about me makes me so full of doubt? i'm too often too afraid to hope for happiness, only because for me it always seems to be a let down. Vulnerable moment coming up... i spent today on the verge of tears, maybe due to lack of sleep, lack of self-esteem, but what ever it was, today it oppressed me.
To feel sad sometimes for me feels narcissistic, because i am so me focused... And i am so tired of me.
There are just those things that keep kicking me in my gut that i thought were gone, but keep rearing their ugly head.

Hope, Faith, and Grace

Even though i have spent my life a christian i really find that i struggle with the words above.
i am learning that you can't live without hope; hope in a better future, hope in love, hope in something in this world that is better than all the horror, and struggle around me. it's easier for me to hope things for others than hoping for myself. i fear more than i hope. i struggle finding the confidence to hope for anything, i fear if i hope too much, and it doesn't happen, what does that mean? i know God is still God.

An aunt of mine's ex used to tell me all the time that he remembered the first time he met me, i was probably 3, and i had told him that my angel fish had died, and that Jesus had taken it up to heaven. Then, he would remark that he admired my faith, although, i think i had a dream that i walked into my living room, and Jesus, in the robes, and his glowing glory was taking my fish up to heaven. i wish i still had that faith, that certain faith, that i knew God would come down and fix everything and make things all better.

i can't seem to wrap my head around grace. every night i thank God for his grace, but then i get distracted by what that means, grace, and that it's something that i have prayed almost every night if not every night for over 20 years. i often look grace up in the dictionary only because it looses its' bigness when i pray "God i thank you for your grace..." i feel like grace is so much bigger than i can ever wrap my head around, and i never give it the true recognition it truly deserves. it's a word that is said so much that it has lost it's deeper meaning...

So tired

Okay i want to write and tell you all four who probably will read this, and tell you how wonderful Wicked was, because it truly was fabulous (just ask Jenny Hobbs).

BUT

i am way to tired. Ask me, i'd love to tell you!

BTW

Shoshanna Bean is even more fabulous!

goodnight

A lack of faith, and it's redemption

A couple weeks ago i was brainlessly watching MTV, and i grew discouraged with how self-absorbed, vain, shallow, and petty we as a culture are.
My redemption came while i was listening to NPR the next day, and the story of a girl from Gaston who, after watching "Hotel Rwanda", live was forever changed. She was struck by a particular line that had caught my attention as well when i had. It was when the camera guy was saying that when footage of what was happening was shown, we as would watch it, think it was sad, and awful, but we would go back to our lives.
But this 11 year old girl had the determination to ask for money to send to Darfur, instead of gifts for her birthday, who sells eggs so she can send money to help out. A girl who has inspired her classmates, a girl who saw the world as something bigger than herself.

i doubt...

i have to say if i were to write all my doubts down i would cry from my lack of faith. It seems the older i get and the more i get kicked in the teeth from life, the more doubtful i grow... i wish i could say i have the faith to believe all the time, but the fear of disappointment gets in the way.

Sunday night i really wrestled with my guilt, and acknowledging my doubt before God. How do you put words to your doubt to the creator of the universe, especially when it's been something you've been praying for for so long. To me it seems like once i've resolved my doubt another rears it's ugly head.



i have the faith to believe God is able to move mountains, sometimes i struggle with believing God will move mountains for me. Maybe that's where my doubt comes into play.

i woke up way too early this morning!

i woke up way too early this morning~~ i realized that i have a meeting over by Lloyd Center at 8:30, and i forgot that when i sent my alarm this moring.

SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE
IF A MOVIE WAS MADE OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?


Opening Credits: "Don't Panic" - Cold Play

Waking Up: "Dignity" - Bob Dylan

Falling In Love: "Full Circle" - StoryHill

Fight Scene: "Sometimes" - Sunny Day Real Estate

Breaking Up: "It Could Have Been A Brilliant Career" - Belle & Sebastian

Make-up: "Death Of A Party" - Blur

Secret love: "Writing To Reach You" - Travis

Life's Okay: "Woman on the Tier (I'll See you Through" - Suzanne Vega

Mental Breakdown: "11:11" - Rufus Wainwright

Driving: "Speed Dial No. 2" - Zero 7

Flashbacks: "Prayer Without Words" - Mary Gauthier

Happy Dance: "The Gymnast High Above the Ground" - The Decemberists

Regretting: "Carry You" - Sixpence None the Richer

Long Night: "Cast No Shadow" - Oasis

Final Battle: "Pompeii AM Gotterdammerung" - The flaming Lips

Death Scene: "Butcher's Tale" - The Zombies

Ending Credits: "You Rise and Meet the Day" - Dar Williams

Now, i must get ready for work

Lazy Days of Summer

i long for the days of my youth when i the worst fear of summer was dying of boredom. Right now i long for the nights i'm at home. Don't get me wrong i do like having things to do; i'm looking forward to a slow down in activities.

Tonight i helped a former roommate look at engagement rings for his sweetheart. Which was fun, but i had the thought "what if this is as close as i ever get?" But then i pushed the thought out of my head, b/c i don't feel like dealing with thoughts like that right now. Actually we spent more time in Ross and i helped him pick out towels, and other accessories for his guest bathroom, which is a little more up my alley.

On a sad note, my brother's ex took my niece (against his wishes) back to Virginia with her. So, if you could say a little prayer for my brother for hope, and strength, and for Ainsley.

My God is gracious unto me

Sometimes i forget to go to God first for my prayers and petitions. What amazes me is that he gives me what i need even before i can ask.
Last night i was milling through some emotions that were getting the better of me, and Carrie, my friend living in New Zealand called. She was what i needed. It was good to hear the voice that i need to hear more of.

--------------------------

On a more creepy note, yesterday morning on my way to work i got a call on my cell phone from a private number at like 7:30 am. When i answered no one talked back, and i even sat there saying hello for a long time. i thought, "well maybe it's a telemarketer" and didn't think much of it, until i got another call, this time at a quarter to midnight. But this time i wasn't brave enough to answer my phone, especially since i was home alone, and the thought of someone just sitting on the other line not talking really creeps me out. The second caller didn't leave a message. Maybe it was a wrong number...

Today i spoke with a dear friend, with whom i haven't spoken with in many years.

It felt like old times. i asked how her family was... She's now a stay at home mom with two little ones, and she asked me about my non-existent love life. Right now i'm overcome by with emotion of great gladness, and sorrow.
i have missed her, and have worried about her and her children's safety. He husband knows i do not care for him, and that i was against them getting married, and he's uncomfortable with me, so for two years i have not been able to be a friend to her. Times like these i'm glad the heart wins, for if it wasn't for the heart she wouldn't have contacted me.

My favorite memory was when we lived together, and one night she crawled into my bed, and we told each other stories.

A lack of interest

i seem to always forget how blessed and spoiled we truly are in this country. i do remember, but i often get caught up in life and i often forget the privilege i was born into.
i really like that in my community group that we take a look a glocal (global/local) at life.
it causes uncomfortable prodding in my life, because when i see how the world out side of me works i feel compelled to take action. i feel drawn toward social justice, but lack the knowledge, and courage to really step out and make a difference.

i am afraid i am part of a generation where apathy rules. What drives this lack of interest in our lives?
i know i can be victim to my own lack of interest in life. How would one go about change? i can strive my best to create change in the world, but will that be good enough... it's a delicate balance between encouragement and nagging. Maybe if we get together and in one voice call the sleeping giant of apathy to leave it will go... Unfortunately, i lack the faith in myself to fully believe that is all we need. So, where do we start?

Hey, Peter Pan
I'm going home now
I've done all I can
Besides I'm grown now
I'll think of you all painted with the night
You sit and watch from somewhere
As one by one the lights go out

I wrote a note to tell you how you matter
When the rain came down
All the letters scattered
And washed away
Drifted off to Never
Where you'll be safe from me now forever

I believe you now when
You say that this will hurt
So I don't have to go and
Play with you in the dirt now

Hey Peter Pan
I'm going home now
I'm all grown up
Your on your own now
I'll think of you all painted with the night
You sit and watch from somewhere
As one by one the lights go out


Peter Pan
by: patty griffin

Things that make you go mmm....

~there is so much going on in the Middle East: bombings, civilian deaths, panic, and fear.
~plane crash in Hillsboro in a neighborhood.

The lead story on the 11 o'clock news for channel 8 on Monday night: Peacock attacks kid at the zoo.

Are you serious?!? The kid gets scratched, and this leads the news!?! Are you kidding me?! it's unfortunate, but honestly, i probably bled more the time i fell from the rogue pine cone on the sidewalk, and my scar pretty big.

It's times like this i really dislike the news. With all the chaos in the world around us our narcissism wins, or at least we are taught to fear whatever is in our backyard. What is wrong with the news media. Does our fear always have to win over everything? And comparatively speaking which really is the bigger deal, an animal behaving it's instinct, or what a serious conflict where the innocent are dying. Sometimes it feels like if it doesn't belong to an american, or an oregonian it isn't that important.

i read a book called the culture of fear, by Barry Glassner. it really is an interesting read on why americans are afraid of all the wrong things. it is interesting b/c it was published in '99. basically we are coaxed by the media to live in constant fear of the next big thing. Which makes me wonder, if we are always in fear of the next big thing, when do we really get to live?

Angelic Voices

When i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt. i hope and i get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and i am suspicious. i am honest and i still play games. Aristotle said i am a rational animal. i say i am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.



Brennan Manning
Ragamuffin Gospel