Kia Ora

i think that's the Kiwi hello.

just wanted to say that Melodie, and i got here safe and sound. We arrived 5 am, and were up around 3ish for breakfast on the plane. 3 am is way to early for breakfast, but i wasn't sleeping so it doesn't really matter.

Right now we are looking into different options of what to do and see, maybe a train ride to Wellington, and then the ferry to Christchurch.

The weather is beautiful today- and this girl is TIRED.

We were greeted with the kiss of New Zealand mist this morning. for me it was a perfect way to start this trip.

wondering

do you ever look at a picture of yourself and think 'is that what i really look like, barf- not very flattering'...

working together...

i do have to say i am starting to worry over the polarization of this country. i have to say i have a very hard time listening to either extreme.
i can't say i am much better, i admit i get my information from NPR, and the BBC, but tonight i was flipping through the channels and heard a very opinionated political commentator with a new book on CSPAN, and my tolerance disappeared. i am ashamed to say i wanted to throw the remote through the TV. i wanted to hear what this person had to say. i don't know if it was what was said, or if it was that this person was only fueling the fire of polarization, intolerance, and superiority. As someone who would call them self a Christian i found the words spoken contrary to what Christ spoke.

What i find so disheartening is that we cannot respectfully disagree in this country. It feels like our attitude is it's my way, and you are stupid, wrong, and a sorry excuse for a human being. Maybe that's why i got/get so frustrated.

What i find funny in some way is that we think as Americans we can be so self-absorbed and believe we have all the answers. Last summer the pastor of the church i visited in Tanzania had said they do not see other religions as the enemy, they unite together to fight a common enemy- not people, but AIDS. It may not cure those affected, but it will change their lives. Those affected with HIV would feel love, and hope.

i wonder what it would look like if we stopped looking at each other as the enemy and spent the energy fighting something instead of someone we wouldn't be so intolerant and angry. Maybe if we heard what the other said.

maybe i'm just an idealist.

Or maybe i am so non-confrontational that i get really upset by disagreements- which i know is true, and i'm okay with it. When i was in elementary school my first grade teacher told my mom she thought i would grow up to be a UN peace keeper- because i when my friends would fight at recess i would be the one to bring them together...

i'm getting too old for this...

Today at work for some obscure reason i made reference to the Go-Go's with some co-workers, one being older than me, and two that were in their early 20's... One of them, who was 20, had no idea who the Go-Go's were. i kind of cried a little, seriously the kid had no idea who the Go-Go's were. And what is the best part is, i kept trying to explain their music, Belinda Carlisle -nothing. AND then the laughter began(by my older co-worker)...
although later when i said, 'we've got the beat' he understood- of course it was just the two of us.

This was Rocktober at the T-house like four (?) years ago, when we went dressed up as the Go-Go's, i have to say Shannon made a better Susanna Hoffs than Belinda- but me, i was Jane- i've always liked Jane.
We've got the beat, yeah.

There is no such thing as an acceptable level of unemployment, because hunger is not acceptable, poverty is not acceptable, poor health is not acceptable, and a ruined life is not acceptable.

- Hubert Humphrey,
U.S. vice president 1965-1969

yet another reason why . . .

we shouldn't have bouquet toss:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8149910.stm

i'm just sayin'

take two...

Let me first start off by saying how much i relish my Sunday morning routine of listening to NPR, and drink tea. They just finished a story on a man who relived a few awkward stages in his life, kindergarden, summer camp, and the prom.
i just love the idea of him going back and recreating positive memories to counteract those that have haunted him in his 48 years.
----- _________________________________ -----
i believe my failures, my awkwardness, my pain, have woven themselves along with my triumphs, my joy to create the tapestry of who i am now. i would never want to change anything from my past. i see those things that i was a late bloomer/early bloomer on have helped me become who i am, and daily i'm learning to appreciate who i have become.
There is a difference between a do over, and wanting to replace the past.

i say this as i plan to go to New Zealand, a sort of do over for me. Last time i was there i was so depressed over an unworthy boy, this time i am going to live while there.

Most of my life i have been so tentative in doing anything because of fear, through small steps i really feel like i am getting to the point where fear isn't holding me back. Maybe that's the lesson here, not that i need to go back to the root of my missteps, but with every step forward know and embrace the missteps, and know they are just as part of me as the steps that lead me to who i want to be.

i must try...

i chose this mantra for myself, because so much of my life has been determined by what i've over thought, so i was too afraid to try. It sits on a post card next to my door that i curse every morning when all i want to do is give up.
i think since i have started repeating this to myself i have grown a lot. It kind of pisses me off too, because then that means that i must try. Trying is hard, and there are a million cliches about how butterflies must work to get out of their cocoon to truly experience what God had in mind for its life, and remembering them brings out the cynic in me. i guess when i sit down and think about the results from trying it makes it worth it.
it's just too bad trying isn't as easy as deciding that maybe you should try bangs on your next hair cut.
-----
so i guess i must try. . .

pondering...

i wish i could say that i've had some inspiration as of late, but lately i feel like i'm in survival mode.
Right now i'm living for August, when i'm going on vacation.
i realized i have like three drafts from blogs i've started, but was uninspired to finish.

i read Kathleen Norris' Cloister Walk, and well, it almost inspired me to become a Benedictine Nun... Maybe not the direction i was shooting for though...

i feel tired and run down most of the time. It makes me realize how tired i am of me & day to day life. It's funny that i think i am the most boring person to ever grace this earth- which would be so hard since there are so many people past, present, and in the future- but i live with me all of the time (and i'm kind of sick of me)... A lot of my thoughts around this go back to the time i spent in Tanzania, and how many of my friends there live for others. i wonder if that is the holy grail we miss here.

Last night i watched the puffy chair, which was recommended by a friend, and it was such a difficult movie to watch. i really didn't like most of the characters. And i most definitely resented that the girlfriend was labeled as 'high maintenance' when all i felt that she wanted from her boyfriend was to be treated as a priority in his life. i do think i watched the movie from my early thirties, tired of the slacker male hero movie. i do think he(main character) is/was the anti-hero, and that's the point, which then sort of redeems the main character for me.(Do you like how i just contradicted myself? i like to think i'm processing this out...) That leads to a greater question, do we need a hero? What would the purpose be?

25 things about liz

i'm 'borrowing" for my friend Leisha, and instead of posting the 25 things... from facebook, i'm posting it here, only b/c as it follows don't like chain letters so i don't want to give others the guilt of posting... plus it's an update, and i have to use them when i can.

1. Named after both Grandmothers
2. have always wanted to be different than everyone else- must be a Capricorn thing
3. In the 2 grade tried out for Jr. Rose Princess against my will & then to reflect comment 2 didn't try to impress the judges with my looks, but used my humor to make the audience laugh
4. been at current employer 14 years
5. LUV the Shins - if i have kids i may want to name them the shins. . . Got an application today from a 16 or 17 yo whose name was Unique. Seriously, Unique was the child's name. . .kind of want to bring 'em in just to satisfy my curiosity.
6. like that i'm short- may again reflect comment 2
7. favorite Sport- hockey
8. either would have been voted in high school most likely to have been forgotten, or most likely to marry a hockey player. . .
9. think it would be cool to be Canadian
10. love the smell of rain
11. worship through awe
12. have always wanted to be a Goonie
13. 13 going on 30 is a guilty pleasure
14. have had a crush on Rob Morrow for 15 years
15. four food groups would be cheese, wine, bread, & curry
16. admire the diversity that is Portland
17. Patty Griffin sings the words of my soul
18. very clumsy
19. believes in peace
20. awkward moments define my life
21. thought about being a music therapist at one point in life
22. let fear stop me from doing somethings i've always wanted to be/do
23. won a state award in photo journalism in high school
24. lettered in choir in high school
25. working/walking toward progress

... peace ...

i can never seem to remember when i've written down things that i'm pondering through, and most words come back into my vocabulary and resonate with me- so i feel often like a broken record.

Right now my favorite word it peace. And it's been for a while for so many reasons. i love the hippie peace movement, i love the idea of a state of tranquility. i love that it has a symbol, and well a hand gesture.
i met a girl when i was in Tanzania who's name is Peace, and i work with someone who it happens to be his last name- i think they are lucky to have such a beautiful word associated with them.
Over Christmas my twisted sense of humor thought i was funny by trying to teach my 4 1/2 year old niece to say peace out, but that's only because i think it's such a funny phrase coming out of such a small child.

As i sit and reflect on this simple word that at times has lost it's meaning it brings me such tranquility. i can feel every ounce of me relax. Tonight during the gathering service one song we sang was peace, and as i sang this same feeling of tranquility began to pour in me into the cracks of anxiety, and then without judgement although the note of irony began to relax my soul.
Usually it feels it takes longer to pass over that anxious moment of trying to find a solution to my problem, but it felt great in that moment to sing' breathe peace, breathe your peace on us, so we might breathe you deep'. i'm not self-evolved to usually take something so obvious and not think 'couldn't you have let me for a little bit longer felt the way i do?'

calmer than the sky
far away so blue
land of living God
grant your peace on earth
we can feel you move
and cannot stay the same
the winds are blowing strong
God of heaven come
(chorus:)
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
so we might breathe you deep
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
land of the living God
if we are in the way
move us to the side
God forgive our wrongs
rest your hands on us
all the world is yours
let us not forget
it was you who bore the cross
God of comfort breathe
(chorus)

This year may you find peace within your self, may you find peace in the world around you; may you grant peace to with those you interact.

~Peace~

snow confessions

i am partially excited for this weeks' snow storm... i seem to have a love/hate relationship with the snow... It really has some great memories from when i was younger. It too could have been the no school excitement to snow. Although after having to drag myself to work this week, and the great possibility that i will have to do the same tomorrow- my great love affair with the snow is coming to an end.
i had to stop into the mall downtown, and while i was leaving there were siblings sitting on Santa's lap. i've been flooded this year with memories of years' past. i miss the innocence from the past, i miss the anticipation that this season, and i miss the joy i felt from the season... This gets brought up when it snows, and instead of the urge to make snow angeles, and snowmen- i curse the snow under my breath, and hope my bus doesn't take more than 20 minutes to pick me up for work...

In observance of World AIDS day

i've been struck with the thought 'how does one be mindful of World AIDS day?' Truly it's in poor taste to say 'Happy World AIDS day' like it was Christmas. And it wasn't until a moment ago that i even thought of the word observance, because truly that is what it is. All day though i have it's been on my mind, this disease has claimed too many lives, too many fathers, too many mothers, sons, daughters, loved ones'... This disease has left too many orphaned...
It grieves me to think of those who have been and are close to my heart that have lived with HIV/AIDS, but it also grieves me to think of anyone daily living with disease that strips a person of identity and eventually kills them. This is truly a disease that no one should be exposed to, because not only does the person living with HIV live with being sick almost all of the time, the loss of a healthy immune system, but also the stigma that comes along with what we as a society has deemed an 'unclean' disease. It is my belief no matter what it is in a persons' life, no one deserves HIV.
What really scares me is the thought that contracting HIV is back on the rise. i think i read that, or heard it on NPR or something. The thought though, terrifies me. Although we have had great advancements in medication, there still isn't a cure. It's not an epidemic, it's a pandemic.

i hope and dream that one day there will be a cure. i hope it will be in my life time, only because there are too many people in this world whose life has ended too soon.

Does God have an odd sense of humor?

i think yes, only because while shopping at Fred Meyer's Monday (on Glisan) while i was mindless walking down looking at finger nail polish this i notice this guy looking very panicked and then turns around and goes down the isle that he was just in.
'how odd' i think, then i realized he looked familiar and then realized he just might be my bus driver sans the glasses. so then the rest of my shopping experience was jacked up with the fear that i would see him again, and then i got really insecure with my purchases like i would be judged on my hair dye and orange juice, good thing i didn't need to buy tampons!
i saw him at check out-which i went to the opposite end of checkers, had to walk by him when i left, saw what i thought was his car, and then had a panic attack while walking down Glisan toward home, saw his car again, and then almost barfed while having to cross in front of his car at the crosswalk.


i think he might be stalking me, or he may think i'm stalking him.

too bad i don't believe in fate.

i find some much discontentment in this that where i haven't seen this person in like six months i then run into him six times in the span of half an hour.

pardon me while i rant...

One of my least favorite things is to be hit on... sometimes i admit i don't realize what's going on until it's too late, or the moment has passed.
i was on the MAX today going to meet friends in N. Portland, when 'Benny' sat next too me. He was a cute guy, smelt a lot like the beer he was drinking, and then he proceeds to hit on me. i try not to lie, but when there is some crazy drunk next to you asking you if you have a boyfriend, it's just easier to say 'yes i have a boyfriend' 'yes it's serious' 'yes, he's a big guy, and would beat you'.
And that would have been something that was bad really at all- until he while he was getting up to leave telling me how great it was to meet me, and that i should thank my parents for having good genetics for me to be 'cute'- he leans in for a hug (by the way, i'm knitting the entire time trying not to engage a conversation about drinking on public transportation), and along with the hug i get a beer drenched kiss on the cheek.

And i lost one of my favorite scarfs.

Isn't it a full moon or something?

AWOL

i feel really awol in life right now. i hate engaging at work because i don't feel really feel that's is the place for me to relax. Right now i'm ready a Buddhist book on acceptance. i do find it enlightening even just recognizing my feelings, and naming them in the moment instead of stuffing them.
There are these definite times when i think back to God's acceptance and love for us, and how we are to love others, and then i am so convicted of those i don't love, and quite honestly don't like at all.

You are a Christian only so long as you constantly pose critical questions to the society you live in ... so long as you stay unsatisfied with the status quo and keep saying that a new world is yet to come.

- Henri Nouwen

Projects

i like that i had the idea that it would be great to refinish my desk while i had my computer looked at because it wouldn't burn CD's. Unfortunately for me, it takes apple a lot less time than it does for me to remove paint, sand, & restain a desk. . . i would let it beat me up, but i think i'm pretty high from the stain.
Finally after day three i was able to disassemble the legs (i think the paint made it almost impossible to remove screws), i feel like day four will be cake since all i need to do is sand the top, take some thinner to the legs (sand), and then stain.
The only bad thing would be i'm not home the next few days- which means the mass chaos that my apartment is in right now with now desk so room is messy, computer on the dining room table, oh yeah, and a desk and the tools used in this project scattered about the kitchen. - - Where is my roommate you must wonder? in Colorado for the next two weeks, which allows me to be so disruptive to our apartment.
Tonight i found some redemption in making something old new, and giving it new life. There was meditation in stripping everything down to the original organic material it was. Like it was needing room to breathe, but it might just be me projecting myself onto a desk. . .

And yeah, i can finally burn CD's again! So, any of one i said i would mix stuff for, remind me. . . i may have forgotten. . .

Election years lately have done nothing but truly antagonize the worst in me- they cause deep rage in me.

Mostly because of the mass polarization of politics. i am ashamed that i ranted on a friends blog- only because i deeply resent the idea that one must be conservative to have any faith in God. Plus it's patronizing- it doesn't prove one right to be condescending- it only proves arrogance. Also, i know many people who have been negatively affected by this mind frame as well. After reading this guy's comment on my friends blog my first thought was "God save us from your people."

The fact of the matter is, that i am liberal. . . Maybe even progressive- possibly. i grew up in a family where my mom was a Democrat, and my dad did not belong to a political party on the mere fact that one should stand up for what they believe, and vote for the person who represents those beliefs.
At 18, i was really excited the first time- i went with my dad. Famously to his nature he spent 15 minutes lecturing me on the importance of voting for who i thought would do the best job, stressing not to allow a political party dictate how i would vote. And so for 12 years following his example i have let my conscious, and beliefs influence how i would vote.
What i hate most about the bickering between the two parties is the polarization- us vs. them. i blame famous commentators who really are so closed minded to think that the opposition could/would have a better idea. It really bothers me that they can be considered 'reliable' news to some. Maybe it's an American thing to do- get news not from a reliable news source, but one that agrees with what you believe. i do have a hang up about the news media anyways- but there's no room for it here and now.

Why is liberal a bad word? Jesus speaks more of caring for the poor than judgement. That's liberal. Jesus stood up for prostitute, again, liberal. He was much more radical, and liberal than we give him credit.

A friend of mine was at a toastmasters meeting (public speaking), there was woman there who said that maybe we should send the politicians to the moon- so they can see the world for what it is, and what connects us goes so much deeper than what separates us.

We are all humans capable of horrible things- but why can't we look to find the good instead of bad. Why can't we find what we have in common and fight for those things. why can't we listen to those we don't always agree with, and love all who were created by the same Creator who created us- a Creator who loves us each so intimately, and fulfill what we were created to do- love.

Believe in you


i see this written on the sidewalk on the corner of NE 15th & Alberta.
It's a nice reminder.