take two...

Let me first start off by saying how much i relish my Sunday morning routine of listening to NPR, and drink tea. They just finished a story on a man who relived a few awkward stages in his life, kindergarden, summer camp, and the prom.
i just love the idea of him going back and recreating positive memories to counteract those that have haunted him in his 48 years.
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i believe my failures, my awkwardness, my pain, have woven themselves along with my triumphs, my joy to create the tapestry of who i am now. i would never want to change anything from my past. i see those things that i was a late bloomer/early bloomer on have helped me become who i am, and daily i'm learning to appreciate who i have become.
There is a difference between a do over, and wanting to replace the past.

i say this as i plan to go to New Zealand, a sort of do over for me. Last time i was there i was so depressed over an unworthy boy, this time i am going to live while there.

Most of my life i have been so tentative in doing anything because of fear, through small steps i really feel like i am getting to the point where fear isn't holding me back. Maybe that's the lesson here, not that i need to go back to the root of my missteps, but with every step forward know and embrace the missteps, and know they are just as part of me as the steps that lead me to who i want to be.