Oh Mr. Wizard may i don't supose you have some courage in your big black bag for me...

i have known for such a long time that i lack courage. i like staying comfortable, it's less scary. But i have to admit it doesn't get me very far...
It's tough to say when and where the lack of faith came, all i know is that it keeps me from doing a lot of things. i think fear that runs into worry seems to run my life. It makes really awkward, and i feel awkward often. So often i don't know what to say, or how to act, and i don't feel comfortable just being. That natural state where you just feel organic… adequate.

A prayer from Thomas Merton

i love love love Thomas Merton, and in celebration with the return of my favorite book here is a section from "Thoughts in Solitude" that has become my prayer:

My Lord God, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think i am following your will doesn't not mean that i am actually doing so. But i believe that thee desire to please you does in fact please you. And i hope i have that desire in all that i am doing. i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire. And i know that if i do this you will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. Therefore i will trust you always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

What possessed you to do that...

Do you ever say you're going to do something... And then as the time passes you think... "What on EARTH (but you really don't want to say earth) did i agree to that for?"

i just wrote a missed connection on Craigslist... For my bus driver... BUS DRIVER...

It all started as i was getting all sorts of grief from a co-worker about my singleness. Why is it that those that want to see you happy are the one's who don't know what it is that truly makes you happy? Or what they choose to analyze everything in you makes you feel worse than you did before... She told me things that i truly didn't agree with about myself, which seems to lead to a spiraling sadness, followed by self-loathing...

But she bet me $5.00 i wouldn't do anything with a crush... So, to make $5 off of some dumb posting on Craigslist that he probably won't see isn't too scary.
My biggest problem is i think too much. Which leads to another problem, my inability to step out and take risks because i'm too scared.

Seriously though, i just posted on Craigslist... i don't know how i feel about that...

Life in fast forward

My life seriously feels like i'm on that water ride in Willie Wonka going in a million miles an hour. i was going to leave work "early" today, which meant that i left 15 minutes early. Honestly though, i worked fervently the whole time. Needless to say i'm tired. Lucky me it's my weekend...Wahoo

It's funny i just found a fortune from a couple months ago that said " Remember three months from this date (01/19/07). Good things are in store for you."

i found out Wednesday that my job is getting re-classed, and i will finally be classed at what i do. Although, after reading the job description i may be out growing this position soon. Not at all that i should be complaining, now if i could just work less...

i also talked to my grandma, and her cancer should be gone.

So it was a pretty good week, i just wish i could remember it....

A minute of your time please

This week has been so destructive.

i found it hard to find the time to have that minute of silence this morning, although we try to stop the world around us doesn't. Sometimes that feels cruel, especially when your life comes to screeching halt.

With all the disturbances of those who are so angry, and hurt by life that the only way they can react is in such rage, and hatred there is this thought from a fellow blogger whom i stumbled on. His thoughts fill in the blanks where my just go blank, and ask "why ?"

http://www.beliefnet.com/blogs/godspolitics/2007/04/shane-claiborne-when-violence-kills.html

Waking up...

i sometimes feel like i go through life in this haze of semi-consciousness... The fog fills my head, and numbs my soul. A song we sang for Pascha, a good word my friend Troy pointed out, that always makes me contemplative woke deep fibers with me:


Arise my soul, arise, Shake off thy guilty fears
The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears
Before the throne he stands
My name is written on His hands

Arise, Arise, Arise my soul, arise
Arise, Arise, Shake off thy guilty fears and rise
Arise, my soul, arise

He ever lives above for me to intercede
His all redeeming love, His precious blood to plead
His blood atoned for every race
And sprinkles now the throne of grace

Five bleeding wounds He bears, received on Calvary
They pour effectual prayers, they strongly plead for me
Forgive her, oh forgive, they cry
Nor let that ransomed sinner die

My God is reconciled; His pardoning voice I hear
He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear
With confidence I now draw nigh
And Father, Abba Father, cry

Mind wanderings from the middle of the night

i have to say that last night my mind would not let me sleep. This last week has been so hectic with work, my mom, and Brooke and Justin's wedding...
i did have some guilt with this week being so holy, and my busyness consumed me.

My thought was this, that Friday, Good Friday when those who loved Jesus most mourned the loss of their beloved Messiah, i prepared to celebrate a wedding... On Saturday, a day where those same were coming to terms and realizing their loss, for me was a great celebration. It reminds me how big this world around me is, and how small i am. But also, how revelant we all are too in how we mourn together, celebrate together, and how we are called into community together.

oh the shame

Um, i just spent way too many hours laying floor watching too much tv, but i love mythbuster so much...

Shot

Today was the first shot in a long string of shots for my trip to Africa!

oh the woe

It only seems obvious that since i have been looking forward to this skirt pattern since the dawn to time, yes i said it the DAWN OF TIME, that it would not turn out quite the way i wanted. As i looked at the fabric cut out lying on my floor, one of my first thoughts was, that HAS to be too big it's not going to fit. Well, it fits around the waist barely, (it's a tad big) but the rest of it is way too big... And not very flattering... Although after taking out the darts it does look a little better.
Now i need to figure out how to make it fit better in through the hips... And fix the zipper...

Ponderings

So i gave up mass consumerism for Lent... It seems that I have more $$ in my bank account now that I ponder, "do I really need that?"

My thought behind it was, right now I buy because I want not because I need.

Hopefully this will change my spending habits into buying what I need versus what I want...

Get Fat

Sometimes the thought of Fat Tuesday offends me... Although any reason to drink is a reason to drink, right? I struggle because it does make me feel judgmental. I guess I think you do something because you want to, or you don't because you don't want too. But maybe it's like everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.
I've been thinking of things to give up for Lent, and like last year I tried giving up a bad attitude... I don't think I made it a day... I know this year I want to be intentional, and sincere with what I'm giving over to God. After a long thought process, and inspiration I intentionally want to give up my consumerism. I'm hoping this starts the new legacy of actually letting go of the need for "things". So the only shopping I can do is grocery necessities. No junk. No books, music, or movies, which seem to be my down fall.
In the past I have broken the need/habit from Lent, so hopefully in the future I will only buy what I need.

I pray for you and for me that this Lenten season will bring clarity, hope, and a closer understanding with God as we learn to readjust our attention.

Girls in need of a safer time

I think it's about time that we have brought to the surface of the objectification of women in this culture. This is where I become a feminist, I guess I am all the time, but this is where she gets out her soapbox to speak.

I was reading an article about how sexualization is harmful towards young girls.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6376421.stm)

It really doesn't surprise me that how the media portrays women is harmful. Look at the role model that girls have been given: Barbie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears. Just watch any commercial, or cable after 10 pm and you see how women sell themselves short by becoming a sex object. I couldn't even go through the internet without some sort of advertisement about how to date barely dressed "perfect" women.

We all have cellulite, wrinkles, gray hair, saddlebags, and imperfect. God never designed us to look perfect, or maybe we get it wrong... Maybe as we are we look perfect to him.
I now can see why it's hard for us to take away the performance for God mentality. If I have to alter the way I look for others to find value in me, then how do go before someone who desires perfection when I am imperfect. And although God desires perfection, he understands my flaws, and loves me regardless.

I'm listening to the PodCast of This American Life; the second half of the story is about a game show for girls and how it fails miserably. It's really sad, and even though it's depressing about the culture of girls now days it's worth a listen to foolishly believe that we can change the culture for our girls so they can grow up knowing their beauty on the inside too.

Good Bye Saturdays

I would like to in hind-sight say good bye to regularly having Saturdays off. You were good while you lasted, I did enjoy our brief time together of sleeping in, and hanging out with my mom...

I'll see you hopefully in September, try not to forget me...

i love anne lamott

Not to toot my own horn, but i have to say that i have felt pretty inspired as of late( by that i mean yesterday and today). My emotions seem to move and change faster than the tide...

i really want to live outside of me. i get tired of me and my whiney complaints. There is a lot around for me to be inspired.

Really for the first time in my life i feel like i'm being challenged to grow, question my identity, and become this person that i am called to be. The more i talk of these ideas of things i want to do the more people around me will keep me accountable to my actions. i'm really good about talking about social justice and caring for the world around me, but the easiest and more selfish action is talking, and then not doing. Although it is so easy to get overwhelmed on where to start, so then easy for me nothing ever happens...

It's my goal to think deflect my thoughts on me and to find things that benefit the world outside me.



How much longer am I going to think about my hair more often than about things in the world that matter?
- Anne Lamott
from "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"

Hard Stuff

i have to admit that i haven't been writing lately because i have been dealing with what i perceive as hard stuff.
At times i am so tired but my mind won't stop so by the end of the day it's all i can do to fall asleep at night.

i struggle with feeling awkward all the time, most of the time i can ignore the sheer panic and freaking out... But lately i kind of want to hide under my bed with my shoes. And i have to remember that i am not a member of the bluthe family (from arrested development) or that i go to mckinley high school (freaks & geeks), but sometimes those imaginary relationships are the easiest because they never ask the hard questions, and sometimes "how are you doing" feels like a hard question. i have been searching lately for what makes me tick, for what makes me afraid, what makes me want to run and hide.

i guess i feel like i have more questions than answers.

In my life time

i've been having these thoughts of things i have seen in my lifetime... When i was at dinner with friends earlier this month their discussion of students entering the college never knew of a divided Germany, and i remember the fall of the Berlin wall.
Right now i'm reading a book called "bachelor girl", it's an account of single women over the last 100 years. It's been really interesting some of the stigma that was associated with being single, and also some of the stigma that still sticks.

It's exciting for me to daydream and think of having someone other than a white male running this country. i got a little emotional when i was listening to NPR and they were talking about Nanci Pelosi sworn in. i got caught up in the moment of these barriers, and glass ceilings being broken through. i am realistic, and although it thrills me to no end to see the face of change, i also too become pessimistic that my other fellow americans are as excited to see that face of change.


My word for this year is Crazy--

The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
--Apple, INC.

New Year

i have to say that i hate the idea of a New Years' resolution for myself. i only hate them because i never keep them, and honestly i lack the discipline to really change whatever, and even more i just don't care.

i was very hesitant for this year only because i feel like i was really pushed this week. i was so irrational, which stemmed from me not feeling like i was being heard. Now the problem lies in clear communication, which apparently through a conversation with my boss i realized that i wasn't being clear. So when we finally started speaking the same language i felt like a heel.
Why is it so hard for us to communicate our needs? For me at least i get hurt when i feel like i am not being heard, and i struggle really saying what i need. It seems crazy what fear keeps us from, sometimes it feels like fear really keeps me from living, it keeps me isolated, and alone.

i do feel like i learned a lot about myself this week. So maybe my promise to me, not as a new years' resolution but something to myself is to listen to what i need, and what i communicate to others.

Squished

So, now my new favorite thing is the chiropractor. He adjusted my back, and i feel so much better. He's pretty much a rock star in my book; i have to admit, you make me feel better i would sing your praises to the world.
Also, there really isn't that physical pain associated with the back pain. So if you need a guy, i totally have a guy for you.

Now only if someone could adjust my love life...

Moving on up

So tonight i had dinner with a friend and the couple i housesit for. It was obvious from the start that i was going to be the odd one out, being that they are all older than i. i have to admit i don't mind or feel bothered by hanging out listening to stories and conversations that i can honestly say i have no weight, although i thought i might be asked to move back to the metaphorical children's table when they found out that i was a Carter baby.
It made me think of the things we miss when we close ourselves to the world around us. It seems to becoming acceptable if it doesn't happen in our lifetime or to us directly it then does not matter. i hope i'm wrong. It just feels like in a culture saturated with poor role models have given us this dumbing down of who we are.
i think it goes beyond a matter of faith, but as a matter of humanity. If we don't step up to the plate to help those in need who then will?
i am always think of quote that Jim Wallis uses, "we are the change we are waiting for."