i doubt...

i have to say if i were to write all my doubts down i would cry from my lack of faith. It seems the older i get and the more i get kicked in the teeth from life, the more doubtful i grow... i wish i could say i have the faith to believe all the time, but the fear of disappointment gets in the way.

Sunday night i really wrestled with my guilt, and acknowledging my doubt before God. How do you put words to your doubt to the creator of the universe, especially when it's been something you've been praying for for so long. To me it seems like once i've resolved my doubt another rears it's ugly head.



i have the faith to believe God is able to move mountains, sometimes i struggle with believing God will move mountains for me. Maybe that's where my doubt comes into play.

i woke up way too early this morning!

i woke up way too early this morning~~ i realized that i have a meeting over by Lloyd Center at 8:30, and i forgot that when i sent my alarm this moring.

SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE
IF A MOVIE WAS MADE OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?


Opening Credits: "Don't Panic" - Cold Play

Waking Up: "Dignity" - Bob Dylan

Falling In Love: "Full Circle" - StoryHill

Fight Scene: "Sometimes" - Sunny Day Real Estate

Breaking Up: "It Could Have Been A Brilliant Career" - Belle & Sebastian

Make-up: "Death Of A Party" - Blur

Secret love: "Writing To Reach You" - Travis

Life's Okay: "Woman on the Tier (I'll See you Through" - Suzanne Vega

Mental Breakdown: "11:11" - Rufus Wainwright

Driving: "Speed Dial No. 2" - Zero 7

Flashbacks: "Prayer Without Words" - Mary Gauthier

Happy Dance: "The Gymnast High Above the Ground" - The Decemberists

Regretting: "Carry You" - Sixpence None the Richer

Long Night: "Cast No Shadow" - Oasis

Final Battle: "Pompeii AM Gotterdammerung" - The flaming Lips

Death Scene: "Butcher's Tale" - The Zombies

Ending Credits: "You Rise and Meet the Day" - Dar Williams

Now, i must get ready for work

Lazy Days of Summer

i long for the days of my youth when i the worst fear of summer was dying of boredom. Right now i long for the nights i'm at home. Don't get me wrong i do like having things to do; i'm looking forward to a slow down in activities.

Tonight i helped a former roommate look at engagement rings for his sweetheart. Which was fun, but i had the thought "what if this is as close as i ever get?" But then i pushed the thought out of my head, b/c i don't feel like dealing with thoughts like that right now. Actually we spent more time in Ross and i helped him pick out towels, and other accessories for his guest bathroom, which is a little more up my alley.

On a sad note, my brother's ex took my niece (against his wishes) back to Virginia with her. So, if you could say a little prayer for my brother for hope, and strength, and for Ainsley.

My God is gracious unto me

Sometimes i forget to go to God first for my prayers and petitions. What amazes me is that he gives me what i need even before i can ask.
Last night i was milling through some emotions that were getting the better of me, and Carrie, my friend living in New Zealand called. She was what i needed. It was good to hear the voice that i need to hear more of.

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On a more creepy note, yesterday morning on my way to work i got a call on my cell phone from a private number at like 7:30 am. When i answered no one talked back, and i even sat there saying hello for a long time. i thought, "well maybe it's a telemarketer" and didn't think much of it, until i got another call, this time at a quarter to midnight. But this time i wasn't brave enough to answer my phone, especially since i was home alone, and the thought of someone just sitting on the other line not talking really creeps me out. The second caller didn't leave a message. Maybe it was a wrong number...

Today i spoke with a dear friend, with whom i haven't spoken with in many years.

It felt like old times. i asked how her family was... She's now a stay at home mom with two little ones, and she asked me about my non-existent love life. Right now i'm overcome by with emotion of great gladness, and sorrow.
i have missed her, and have worried about her and her children's safety. He husband knows i do not care for him, and that i was against them getting married, and he's uncomfortable with me, so for two years i have not been able to be a friend to her. Times like these i'm glad the heart wins, for if it wasn't for the heart she wouldn't have contacted me.

My favorite memory was when we lived together, and one night she crawled into my bed, and we told each other stories.

A lack of interest

i seem to always forget how blessed and spoiled we truly are in this country. i do remember, but i often get caught up in life and i often forget the privilege i was born into.
i really like that in my community group that we take a look a glocal (global/local) at life.
it causes uncomfortable prodding in my life, because when i see how the world out side of me works i feel compelled to take action. i feel drawn toward social justice, but lack the knowledge, and courage to really step out and make a difference.

i am afraid i am part of a generation where apathy rules. What drives this lack of interest in our lives?
i know i can be victim to my own lack of interest in life. How would one go about change? i can strive my best to create change in the world, but will that be good enough... it's a delicate balance between encouragement and nagging. Maybe if we get together and in one voice call the sleeping giant of apathy to leave it will go... Unfortunately, i lack the faith in myself to fully believe that is all we need. So, where do we start?

Hey, Peter Pan
I'm going home now
I've done all I can
Besides I'm grown now
I'll think of you all painted with the night
You sit and watch from somewhere
As one by one the lights go out

I wrote a note to tell you how you matter
When the rain came down
All the letters scattered
And washed away
Drifted off to Never
Where you'll be safe from me now forever

I believe you now when
You say that this will hurt
So I don't have to go and
Play with you in the dirt now

Hey Peter Pan
I'm going home now
I'm all grown up
Your on your own now
I'll think of you all painted with the night
You sit and watch from somewhere
As one by one the lights go out


Peter Pan
by: patty griffin

Things that make you go mmm....

~there is so much going on in the Middle East: bombings, civilian deaths, panic, and fear.
~plane crash in Hillsboro in a neighborhood.

The lead story on the 11 o'clock news for channel 8 on Monday night: Peacock attacks kid at the zoo.

Are you serious?!? The kid gets scratched, and this leads the news!?! Are you kidding me?! it's unfortunate, but honestly, i probably bled more the time i fell from the rogue pine cone on the sidewalk, and my scar pretty big.

It's times like this i really dislike the news. With all the chaos in the world around us our narcissism wins, or at least we are taught to fear whatever is in our backyard. What is wrong with the news media. Does our fear always have to win over everything? And comparatively speaking which really is the bigger deal, an animal behaving it's instinct, or what a serious conflict where the innocent are dying. Sometimes it feels like if it doesn't belong to an american, or an oregonian it isn't that important.

i read a book called the culture of fear, by Barry Glassner. it really is an interesting read on why americans are afraid of all the wrong things. it is interesting b/c it was published in '99. basically we are coaxed by the media to live in constant fear of the next big thing. Which makes me wonder, if we are always in fear of the next big thing, when do we really get to live?

Angelic Voices

When i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt. i hope and i get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and i am suspicious. i am honest and i still play games. Aristotle said i am a rational animal. i say i am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.



Brennan Manning
Ragamuffin Gospel

Finally

My computer's been down the last few days, and i've been very hostile towards him (i call him Mac). i now apologize for being a jerk, and saying hurtful things to him, only b/c it wasn't his fault. But i can now connect to the internet, yeah.

i've really been into this whole world cup thing over the last few weeks, i may have even dreamt soccer the other night. And since Brazil is now out, Go Italy! (even though they dive a little much for my taste). i have to say there is nothing like watching the game in a pub with others. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of the game.


i have now discovered that i need to spend a little more time riding bikes, only because i felt so awkward and goofy riding on the fourth of July. i loved it though, feeling stupid, and clumsy and all, and more importantly i loved being with friends... i felt a little like kermit the frog, b/c the bike was so cool and old school, and little like the goonies when they went on their treasure hunt, only we weren't looking for one eyed willie's treasure.
i have to say that will be one of my favorite memories, if not favorite memory of the fourth, and for the summer.

Finding Inspiration

i have to admit i haven't had much inspiration as of late to really write. Life the last few weeks have seemed harder than usual. But i'm finding the unintentional intentional support of friends. <-Them not realizing how much their kindness affects my life.

We're trying something new in our Cgroup, the second Tuesday we go to the food bank to connect locally; and the last Tuesday of the month we watch a documentary about a global issue to connect globally. i once heard called glocal -> looking both at home and abroad.
Last night we watched, "Promises"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promises_(film)). It centers around 7 young Palestinian, and Israeli kids. They are all so beautiful, honest, and fractured. What i adored were their faces, their words amazed me. They were so serious and mature for being so young.
It's hard for me in my "Western" mind to truly understand their life, and the issues that divide them. Maybe because i never understood why you would hate someone you didn't know. i have to admit i knew and still know little about what divides them; i did learn a brief history of the conflict.
What i admired was the director's ability to show both sides, to show them as people instead of as victim/terrorist. More importantly, he opened up some of their lives, and allow them to meet whom they were brought up to hate and fear. For a moment i felt hope, for a moment i had hope that one day there could be peace. There is tremendous power in being known, and getting to know.

One of the quotes i really liked was from a secular Israeli boy named Daniel. Daniel says “In war both sides suffer. Maybe theres a “winner” but whats a winner. People on BOTH sides die. Both sides loose.””

i wish there could be peace, that they would be able to live side by side in peace an harmony. i loved that there was hope for some of them that they could resolve their differences.

Dirty little triggers

i've been a little down the last couple of days. Actually, in all honestly i know the trigger. In all honesty it's hard to admit the trigger and put it out there for unnamed people to read. That kind of vulnerability is scary. i am also convinced that only my friends will read this, since i lead a pretty boring life.

i never thought i had baggage, but apparently i do. It festers in the form of insecurity, of not feeling good about me; and this trigger sends me deep down into a spiral of self pity, and doubt. i had doubt before, but this catapulted into a whole new realm of insecurity.

This trigger reminds me of my faults, my weakness, and my worst fear. It then separates me from God, because i feel so trapped. i am frustrated because i have prayed for so long for resolution, but no resolution has come.

Neutral

Today has been hectic. i've been pretty busy, and overwhelmed at work the last two weeks, now going on three. Honestly, i hate it. b/c i want to stay positive, and not let my frustration show. It's hard too when everyone is so busy, and there is no communication. So, i've got to remember to communicate. i also think a negative attitude is contagious, especially in a small office.

In my down time i feel nothing, borderline apathetic. i can't really explain it. It's learning to live where i am right now too. It's hard when you learn growing up how bad apathy is, and this is my current emotion it's kind of like. "where do i go with this?"

When i look back from where i was a year-year and a half ago, there has been so much movement in my life. Good movement. i was struck with it on Sunday. It's embarrassing for me to admit how much i used to cry from depression, but now, it's not been that much. i do wonder if it is the apathy. And i do care about stuff, i do have passions and they are the things that really matter to me. i guess my apathy lies in the neutral. It feels healthy too, not like i just don't care about anything, i am just blah about the mundane.

Living in the Gray

My life is all sorts of gray. At times i admire those whose lives are so concrete black and white, but my mind is always full of "what if's". i am learning that in order to process life one must share it, even if it's yucky stuff. i am grateful to God that i have been blessed with a support system that i can lean on in tough times. It was however tough for me to learn this. i don't want to burden people, especially when it's something that i can't get over easily, and i am unable it seems to get over things.
And my life seems to be what if's and there is a reason for everything. Also when i do phase things into black and white i always seem to be wrong, and so i see the need for gray.

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Today my friend who's in New Zealand, her dad came and dropped off some photos from when i was down there. i am really excited b/c one of them is the picture i have here, but it actually turned out and isn't blurry. It was good reminders from the fun trip.

Thoughts from an untired mind

i still am having trouble sleeping. The good news is that i am now able to sleep in my bed (i had been sleeping on my bedroom floor for weeks and weeks, b/c i can't fall asleep in my bed).
Yesterday at the benefits fair at work i stopped by the accupunturist. He pricked me, and i felt relaxed, and we talked of my inability to fall asleep. The acupuncture did seem to work b/c i was relaxed for the rest of the day, so i may now start getting acupuncture.
i get frustrated b/c this is when my mind wanders, and over thinks everything.


Tuesday i watched my niece. She's so cute, she gave me hugs and kisses for the first time on her own. We had fun jumped on my trampoline, she took a bath, and then a nap and then more playing and some sponge bob (i cannot understand the fascination). She did however while she wasn't wearing her diaper manage to pee on my kitchen floor, and my step stool. i really hope she does not get moved across the country, i couldn't bear having her that far away, especially when it feels like she may be the closest i ever get to having a child around me.

Unexpected surprises

i really have to say for the frustration that i have had with co-workers we work well together, even though it seems like we have to do things at the last minute.
i was able to see Shannon get pinned, even though i haven't worked a full day this week. i guess it's like a family there are the misunderstandings, but when it really comes down we are there to support each other. So i guess it's not like a family, it is a family.

The neatness of my mind

Sometimes i think i am ill, or crazy. i say this because i spent yesterday cleaning, and i liked it! There is something to be said about doing something that there is an end result, a clean house, a quilt, a blanket, etc. i think i felt the need to clean because we got a new couch, a grown up couch (thank you Jenny Kuker). Plus since i can't control my circumstances, i can keep things orgainized, and i really am not obsessive about cleanilness, i think. Really i am not crazy.

i'm also reading "The DaVinci Code", it's okay the author is a little (or a lot) pretensious), but it is interesting fiction.
Here's some advice if you are planning to read it, don't go to Wikipedia and look up the book, they give you spoilers... i found that out the hard way :~(

LOST

You are the bad boyfriend that i cannot break up with. After our encounters you always leave me with more questions then before. You leave for months on end with no call, and when you return you offer no apology. You throw so much drama, and twists at me i feel like i've been through the spin cycle.

i would leave you, but i cannot, why because for the life of me i want to know what happens. Because you are the drug that i crave.

Say hello to my little friend

i think i shall call her Junior.

This beatiful sunshine

Yesterday i spent the afternoon with a good friend. It's been some time since we hung out, but it's always funny that though time has passed there is still that good friendship there.
She's really praying about becoming a nun, which amazes me. i think because it sounds so deep. i could tell it was becoming a reality for her, because she was trying to give me her CDs. It really caused me to evaluate my life. i try not to become wrapped up in the materialistic lifestyle, says the girl who will probably being buying a sewing machine this weekend.
i've had this week off, and it has been good. i've felt spread very thin for the last while, and i think the bout of solitude has really deepened my thirst for community. i've also enjoyed getting away. There seems to be many mini dramas at work, and i guess i don't want to get caught up with them. Honestly i hate drama, it makes me feel tired emotionally.
i feel like i'm growing stronger. i worry sometimes if i am becoming better at emotionally detaching, which means repressing for me. The last year and a half has been such a struggle for me, i feel like i had to reassess who i was. Actually the last year i feel i have been reorganizing my life after the tumultuous six months prior. As much as i hate to admit it though that mess and pain has taught me a lot.