i might like spring if...

my allergies didn't go haywire every year.

The sniffles, the runny nose, the mass quantities of tissue shoved in any pocket, watery red puffy eyes. . . i hate to whine, but a girl cannot function when she cannot see. i was joking with a co-worker today that the red watery puffy eyes really accentuates the raw runny nose. It's all the rage in Milan---

The worst part is i take stuff- this year has been bad!


It looks as if it will be a season of glasses, eye drops and tissue. . . And will be breathing through my mouth since breathing through my nostrils seem almost impossible. . .

i really love the lyrics of Patty Griffin, i have used her words before. She knows the words that my heart never seems articulate enough to say. This is my favorite Patty song because of the acknowledgment of despair, but even through the pain and acknowledgment of the lack of hope, hope still seems to be alive. If you don't know her, i recommend her. i love her, she has changed my life- i can never listen to music the same way- she sings the words of my soul.

The Sunday after, there was laughter in the air
Everybody had a kite they were flying everywhere
And all the trouble went away and it wasn't just a dream
All the trouble went away, and it wasn't just a dream

In the middle of the night
We try and try with all our might
To light a little light down here
In the middle of the night
We dream of a million kites
Flying high above the sadness and the fear

Little sister, just remember as you wander through the blue
The little kite that you sent flying on a Sunday afternoon
Made of something light as nothing
Made of joy that matters too
How the little dreams we dream are all we can really do

In the middle of the night
The world turns with all its might
A little diamond, colored blue
In the middle of the night
We keep sending little kites
Until a little light gets through

not alone...

It never ceases to amaze me when i am feeling my worst that when i share my burden, my ache, my sorrow that the pain i feel eases. The funny thing is, that scary thing i feel so bad about most of the time isn't really as bad it feels inside of me.
Maybe those are the lies we grow up with, you are alone, nobody will understand you, you will be loved conditionally, you are unworthy. . .
It must be there where we learn to wear masks. It's there where we learn not to be true to who we are. But often i find that when i am honest, even at the fear of isolating others, i find comfort. But maybe that has to be for someone true to understand the baring of ones' own soul, even if it costs respect. i know some who may be reading this are some who have said to me "i was afraid to say anything because i didn't want you to think less of me." As someone who lives this fear i hurt. i hurt that there could be judgement there- and as much as i wish that i could say i would never judge. . . to say never could prove to be sooner than i thought. But that shouldn't detour us from being honest, sharing our lives, and striving to live into this thing called community.
For me it's my refuge where i realize i am not alone, because more than likely i haven't been the only one struggling, and that when we share our burdens we are living.

becoming Pam

Do you ever at work look for the camera because something one person does makes you think you are about to be punked? Honestly it's like everyday at work for me. There are times that i think, "this really can't be happening?!"

i do feel like i should be apart of The Office- which means with the odd things that happen between me and my new boss, and the comments made-make me Pam Beesely. Well, almost every situation with most of my co-workers resembles the show.

i thought about something like a "10 reasons your boss is Michael Scott". . . But i'm pretty sure they'd be found, and i didn't want to have to explain anything. . .

Now, where is my Jim Halpert?

How are you doing?

i had a conversation with friends a couple weeks ago about that four words. It's funny that an intentional question at times when asked tends to request an insincere reply.
When we respond with the genuine- "well, i feel miserable, i am questioning everything i do/am, i had a fight with a loved one, i am lonely. i feel no hope" answer, it throws the other person off. i guess it also depends on who's asking the question too. i admit i often lie and say i'm fine with someone i don't want to share any personal information with.
Last week i had made a comment about the conversation with a co-worker, and she had said "how are you?" is the Portland hello. Which could be true. There are people that i will ask them every time i see them, and when i realized that for the 17th time i had seen them-17 times i had said "how are you/how's it going?" i then wondered if they thought i was crazy/ or that i was obsessed with how they were- which when you don't know them too well is creepy.
Since the conversation i have felt challenged to really mean the question i ask. . .
-------------------------------------------------

i finished the baby blanket yesterday. Seriously- i can never do that again. i felt so disjointed during, like i had forgotten how to properly talk to other humans. So, i'm sorry for anyone that felt awkward with my lack of conversation, and the blank stares. i have returned to the living.

i thought i was being proactive on a baby blanket i am making, only to find out that i need to have it done by Wednesday at the latest. Now with this under the gun feeling not only am i carrying over this anxiety from work, but in my personal life as well.

Addictions

This lent season i have become very aware of my addictions, where it be food or retail therapy.
i honestly feel very embarrassed to admit this, i feel deep shame that i use these two things as coping mechanisms in my life. Right now i am overcome by this brokenness i feel. There is this disconnect with coping, and instead of looking for ways to deal with the way i feel, i will use things like food or something new to give me artificial, temporary feeling of all is right with the world.
This concept is so new to me that i really don't know how else to process it, or quite honestly how much i want out in cyberland.

Healing

Why is the thought of healing a scary thing? You would think a person would like to get better. Sometimes does it feels better to stay the same?
What do you do once you've healed, how do you spend time that was once in the bile of life?
It feels too easy to live the embittered life. . . i know too many bitter people, i work with too many bitter people. At times daily i feel that i must give up that part of me that dwells in the bitter space. i really don't think i dealt with it, and it transpired into my dreams.
i am hopeful that all the baggage of self loathing, and my fear of hoping will be sorted through the process of healing.

paging Dr. Freud

i had a dream two nights ago where i was in my room and this person kept placing things in my room and i kept getting frustrated by this, and i couldn't find any peace stuff all over the place, and i couldn't move-- mere coincidence. . . but last night i dreamt that i was at work frantically trying to complete this project while my co-workers did nothing to help, and didn't seem to be aware of my frustration, and my feeling of being overwhelmed. . . It's hard to need help, and when that hand is stretched out for help there doesn't seem to be anyone reaching back. . . Which leads to me dreaming about work, which is annoying because if i am dreaming about work, since it is work related shouldn't i be getting paid? No? i thought it was worth asking. . . I


This is my hundredth post, i wish i would have baked a cake to celebrate. . .

I'm tired...

And i'm waiting for my laundry to finish drying... Not one of my smarter decisions...

I'm just curious...

What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

Me- i had an infatuation with my bus driver, and in a moment of bravery, or for lack of better judgment i gave him my number( i did double check to make sure there was no ring). He never called.
It turned out to be one of those things that i I knew it wouldn't have killed me- but all i could imagine was bursting into flames from the sheer panic my body was in. i can't say i'd do it again though...

INFJ

So i took my myers-briggs test which my friend Lindsay predicted my out come. i can't remember if she predicted correctly- but i'm pretty sure she was right in predicting that i was INFJ. Jimmy Carter's also an INFJ- that's pretty exciting.
i must admit that i am so exhausted. i have stayed up way too late these last few days between concerts and well i was watching tv last night- so that's not a good excuse. i have to say i made the good decisions to go to both shows this week. i love good music, and learning to appreciate a musician for their art feels like a good thing for me. So my goal this week is to go to bed early most nights this week, even 9:30.

i keep thinking of my new years' resolutions, and how badly i am doing- and it's not even February. i wanted to be healthy, and judging by the junkapalooza (all the massive amounts of food not good for me) that i call my eating habits for the week, i need to be better. Our Executive Chef is such an amazing chef, truly makes the best curry i've ever eaten. i did turn down a delicious slice of almond pound cake with raspberry sauce & a lemon glaze (leftovers from the Directors lunch)- then i was bitter that i had eaten so poorly that day.
Who knows, now that i have a roommate i may join the gym- or i will entertain the idea ;~).

My life in a Hugh Grant Movie...

Or i guess it feels that way, but instead of four weddings and a funeral yesterday was a memorial service & a wedding...(plus two birthdays!) That is two totally different ends of the emotional spectrum. It was very touching while at the service to see how much of an impact this woman's life made on those around her. In that same idea, my co-worker thought enough of me to invite me to her wedding. To me that really felt like such an honor.
i really have felt over the holidays this sense of reflection, even more so than i have previously.
It's funny what a birthday does to a person...

Welcome back

I feel like the older I get the faster life seems to be flying by me.
Last week was my 30th birthday, which felt so much larger than me. It's odd to me to think that one day dictates that you are one year older, and that can put you in a completely different decade.
I have to admit I am glad that 2007 is over. It didn't feel like a good year overall, and so far I have a good feeling about 2008 it's going to be a great year!
This is going to be a good year... I know it will be...

In the blink of an eye

i find that the more i get used to digital, and high speed age the more impatient i get.
i do think that this technology is amazing and wonderful, but also i have noticed that i am not as patient as i once was. If i am listening to my ipod i have discovered that i rarely will listen to an album start to finish, it's playlists, shuffles, and skip skip skip(the songs).
Just as i wonder if commercials can lead to disruptive sequences in ones' ability to focus for long terms, thus altering the concentration of the viewer.

All affecting my ability to concentrate, and showing my lack of discipline.

Supersize me...

i had this thought as i was in Ashland this weekend about portion control, especially since most meals this weekend was in a restaurant. i find it so hard to find remember what normal portions look when i have a HUGE plate of food in front of me. One thing i like about sharing a meal with my mom is that we really share a meal together. i like this mostly because then i don't feel the need to eat most of the food when i know i won't be able to take it home. i also like it because then i don't overeat.

It's so hard when you work hard for your paycheck, and you want the best value and for those with limited funds super-sizing at fast food locations seems like the best value. Honestly when considering all the extra empty calories in that 44 oz. jug of Dr. Pepper, 8 oz is 100 calories the mind bends at the thought of all that yummy delicious high fructose corn syrup. But man do i love my Dr. Pepper, although not 44 oz. Honestly though i digress.
i read a book called mindless eating, and what i love so much about the book is that the author eats the bad food, and admits that he mindlessly eats, and eats french fries. What i like most is the intentionalness of his story i know that my life becomes so routine that i forget to be intentional, and i miss the beauty of paying attention.

On another note, i changed my community group this week... It was sad to leave, because i like everyone so much. Although, i do love the new group i'm in, not so much the alarm clock going off @ 5 this morning. But i'm so excited to try something new to move in a new direction, and i'm not too freaked out by the thought of change, which makes me believe that this is what i'm supposed to do.

Hope is alive

i often forget the power that is behind this statement. And for me maybe that can be a problem of mine, is that something so powerful can become mundane. But in the mundane comes the joy from realizing powerful statements again.
i spent the weekend in Ashland for their AIDS benefit called Daedalus Project. As i stood last night with others in memory of loved ones gone again it was brought to mind the power of the mundane. It's been 15 years since my uncle lost his battle with AIDS, and even last night i still felt that twinge of pain of the great loss. It also hit me as all of us who had lost someone stood. How bad this really is, how powerful this pandemic truly is.
But hope is alive... We may not see it, it may take longer than we feel it should. Hope lives within us, it keeps us going... It gives us reason to move, to believe that there will one day be a cure for AIDS, for cancer, for poverty, for oppression...

Patience is a virtue

There is this boy running my life right now, you may have heard of him... Harry Potter. i resisted for so long, but i am under the thumb of this boy, and his adventures. On the positive side, i'm not dreaming about what i'm reading, which is good...

On another positive note, the conflict with the rental company that houses my roommate and me has seen realized that they jumped the gun, and will not be forcing us to move out. Our rent check had no indication of whose rent it was covering, so all that needs to be paid is a late fee.
One thing i've learned from this openness, and not jumping the gun on things, and patience.
It's times when things are tough that i forget patience. i want resolution now, only because if not i will psych myself out, and i have internal meltdowns.

Stronger than we think we are

i think for the longest time that i had to do something spectacular to be brave, like save someone from a burning building or something. Never would i use the word brave to describe me, only because i can measure what i don't do because i am too often afraid.
It really wasn't until recently that i was forced to define what i thought bravery was, that i needed to reassess what true bravery was. Bravery does involve courage, but too often i think of heroes from movies, or stories and i compare myself to them. But bravery can be huge where everyone stops to look at you, but it also can happen deep within you, that only you know about.

My dictionary defines brave as being able to face and endure pain or danger. Interesting that maybe most if not all of us can in fact be and are brave...

Mark your calendars

July 30th, 2007...

The new Trader Joe's opens over on Halsey.


I'm pretty excited. The only down side could be learning a new lay out. But then it could be fun like a scavenger hunt. Wahoo!